“Tough Titty” Said The Kitty When The Milk Went Dry

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Warning!  I am a satirist!  If you do not have a sense of humor or are easily-offended, these blogs may not be for you. May I interest you in an innocuous episode of Peppa Pig instead?

Whaddayagonnado?

Meh

 

An Idiotic Idiom

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I never liked that phrase. My dad would use it when I was a kid and he would assign me some undesirable chore, when in truth I would much rather sit around and sniff my finger, and I told him as much.  The phrase always invoked that squinty sidelong upturned-lip glance you make when someone utters something utterly outlandish and you decide to size them up for a coffin.

I can imagine Luke Skywalker with his famous immature whine: “But I was going into Tosche Station to pick up some power converters!  WAAHH WAHHH WAAAAHHHHH!!!”  To which Uncle Owen would respond with a hearty, “’Tough Titty’ said the kitty when the milk went dry.”  This is when Luke whips out his lightsaber and deftly cleaves Owen in two, and we would all finally get to see what the big hoopla is about concerning power converters, and whether it was worth all that whining or not.  Also I would get to use “deftly cleave” in a sentence, which in theory should effectively make me as cool as Barry White in one swift stroke.

Politics are a stressful issue. (I realize that is a news flash.)  They create consternation in our home and amongst family members.  Tuesday November 8th was a tense day.  So was the morning of Wednesday November 9th.  On top of politics, our youngest, Asher, had a giant virus which I am fairly certain is the same one that wiped out all of the dinosaurs. You see, every parent knows that when a child contracts a virus and starts exhibiting signs of having a cold, life grinds to a proverbial halt.  All hope is lost, and there is mucus everywhere since children enjoy wiping their snot on their shirts, their pants, the sofa, the cat, the dog, the house, the neighborhood, the country, the world, as well as on other snot.  I am not kidding. If you pick them up and try to console them, they will sneeze giant wads of flapping mucus right into your face, down your throat and into your soul, like the adorable little tax-credit viral invading armies that they are.

Where was I.  Let's see: snot...mucus...viruses...politics...consternation...ah!

While Mama was showering and Asher was left downstairs to watch The Grinch (we start Christmas prep immediately after Halloween because of THE REASONS THAT WE HAVE SO STOP JUDGING US), he decided he was done with this whole movie-watching thing and headed out the sliding door to come see Daddy and wipe snot on him.  What followed was a comedy of errors that can only be described as biblical in proportion:

  • Winston the tough-titty kitty nearly escaped when Asher left the sliding glass door open.
  • Asher scared Daddy out of his shoes when he suddenly appeared in his office behind him.
  • Asher melted into tears when scolded that he was supposed to be in the house and was not supposed to come out barefoot in the cold to see me and why is there snot everywhere.
  • Daddy scooped Asher up and took him back in the house, stepping firmly into dog poop on the way in and messing up his new shoes. This happened just before Asher sneezed nose-juice akin to something you would expect to come out of Jabba The Hutt all over Daddy’s glasses which do not come equipped with windshield wipers.
  • While cleaning his shoe (and glasses) in the laundry room utility sink, Daddy became frustrated at the large pile of garbage just laying there in the laundry room and not disposed of, so had to take care of that as well.
  • Daddy was already emotionally primed, dealing with a client who A) insisted that he had paid Daddy, and B) provided the incorrect payment address as proof. The client was now approaching a 1% daily late fee period following his Net30 terms, and was irate at Daddy for his own mistakes.  It is at this point that I should clarify that I require all my clients to address me as "Daddy."
  • After Daddy's shoe was cleaned, the shoelaces had somehow come untied, so add that to the growing list of things that Daddy had to do.

 

Mama said there’d be days like these.  That’s the way the ball bounces.  Que será será.  Sh*t happens.  Them’s the breaks.  That’s the way the cookie crumbles.  Oh well.  Whaddayagonnado?

 

Murphy’s Law

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There will be days in voiceovers where you just get plain infuriated:

  • Equipment fails
  • Audio is inexplicably crackling
  • You have zero motivation to conduct any marketing
  • When you do conduct marketing, you are met with unwelcome anger from prospective clients and called a spammer
  • Losing a high-paying job due to recasting
  • You see others succeeding, and wonder why you are not
  • Others are up for SOVAS, and you wonder why you are not
  • No one is casting you
  • Clients do not pay on time
  • Clients receive their files and then ghost you
  • Clients request an unreasonable amount of free add-ons to their work
  • Clients do not call you "Daddy" as they are contractually-obligated to do

 

It is kind of like my wife’s purse.  A few weeks ago I received an Apple notification that the AirTag in her purse had a low battery.  Dutifully, I retrieved her purse to replace the battery with a fresh one.  No matter how hard I tried, I could not find the accursed thing in the accursed thing.

Allow me to explain.  My wife's purse is a giant Miche bag.  Everything lives in one place in there. In the bag. And there are pouches within the bag. Pouches. So it is a bag to hold other bags and other pouches. There are bags that hold multiple pouches, but no bags. Bags with pockets with pouches inside hidden zipper pockets. Purses. Purses that are bags with pouches with tiny Ziploc bags. Trying to find anything in there is about as easy as attempting to understand anything uttered by Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Understanding Women

When I finally found the AirTag, we had a new president, Jesus had already returned to take his people home, and XFinity had finally switched on our cable that they had promised us in 2020.  I was elated!  Sadly, I was now 800 years old and unable to physically remove the battery myself, but that young whippersnapper Jimmy from down the street is so gosh darn handy…he was able to do it lickety-split, and I paid him a nickel and told him to scat now, ya rapscallion!

Sometimes, things take far too long to resolve, and, like Murphy’s Law dictates, “Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.”  Thus begins the challenge to chalk it up to a case of tough-titty-said-the-kitty.

 

When The Milk Goes Dry…And It WILL Go Dry

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Life, and voiceovers, are not always about sunshine and rainbows, feasting, or plenty.  There will be times of drought, times of want, times of fatigue and famine.  How you weather them says a great deal about you.

There are those who know nothing except cursing and blame when such unfortunate circumstances befall.  They get mad, and then they get stuck.  They are not trained to overcome adversity; they are conditioned to rail against the cruelty and injustice of the world.  They are bitter, envious, and jealous souls.

And then, there are those who rise up and look beyond the "present unpleasant", and strive for a better tomorrow.  How do they do this?

  • Patience
  • Trust
  • Looking back upon your track record of accomplishment, and taking heart
  • Finding new and creative ways to market
  • Thinking outside the box
  • Returning to individual or group coaching
  • Assessing your current website, branding, logo, social media presence and content to see how you could improve engagement
  • Revisiting and revising your goals to ensure that you are saving enough money for the lean times
  • Assessing your goals to determine if you could increase your marketing
  • Keeping your milk in the refrigerator so that it does not run dry

 

I do not like weird phrases.  I certainly do not like phrases that suggest that something is awry and that I should simply deal with it.  Instead, it behooves me to get into action and not cry over the absence of milk.  I have learned that the best way to deal with absence is to create substance.

But hey - I am just a kitty covered in my 3 year old's snot, so what do I know.

Now if you will excuse me, I must go into Tosche station to pick up some power converters!!!

 

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Joshua Alexander
The Voices In My Head Blog
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16 thoughts on ““Tough Titty” Said The Kitty When The Milk Went Dry”

  1. I don’t wish for you to re-experience that series of unfortunate events… But I WOULD watch a skit of it if one happened to exist. One of my favorite quotes reflects on how one thing can quickly snowball into many: “You gotta do a job to do a job to do a job”.

    I hope your forward path is kinder.

    1. Thanks buddy! I feel like Lemony Snicket some days! That day resolved rather quickly after the morning mayhem…thankfully. And I LOVE that quote. #newbumpersticker Have a great week, my friend!

  2. This reminds me of the story of the two boys who got a birthday present: one of them walked into their room and saw all the most beautiful toys and fragile things and was so worried they were going to break them. And the other went into his room and saw steaming pile of shit. And he was overjoyed and dove into the pile and exclaimed “there has to be a pony in here!!!” or something like that. I love that story, it illustrates the drastic difference in perspective, and how we need to have the second kid’s perspective on misfortune. Silver lining and all that. Great blog, Josh.

  3. Josh, let me deftly cleave this bog into digestible portions just because I can, and also so I can share the joy of using defty cleave in a sentence.
    1. Ignore idioms about feline lactational conditions.
    2. Wipe off the poo life makes you step in, or better yet, return those shoes to the store because they “don’t fit”, then purchase another identical pair, and
    3. Do what you need to do to create substance, but not snot, which is a substance.
    Pretty good cleaving, no? Now excuse me as I continue to gleefully cleave everything and everyone I see today. Who says Monday’s suck?

    1. HAHA! I always look forward to your comments, my friend. Always so a propos! I greatly appreciate how deftly you cleave. And, ahem, the “don’t fit” excuse? I’M TRYING THAT. I may bring them in with snot on them too, yet still maintain that they don’t fit, and THAT is the reason for the return. Just to see if they whine about Toschi station power converters.

  4. i had forgotten about the toshee station star wars thing hahahahaha!! 🙂 🙂 thanks for the reminder josh. now quit your whining and get back to work! thanks for a great audition to my monday. 🙂 🙂

  5. That saying sounds like something my mom would have said to me. My mom is adamantly against whining in any form. My mother’s attitude has made me the resilient person I am today, so even when I have weeks like last week, I just pick myself back up, reset myself and keep going. Thanks for another great blog! Hope your child is feeling better!

    1. MEEEEEEEEEEEE TOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! I have a feeling I’m definitely going to be using this phrase on my oldest. Brennan is the whiner. Asher is a bit more stalwart and thick-skinned. Brennan needs some tough love, so I’m warming up all phrases involving kitties in advance. 🙂 And thank you! Both of them are under the weather but Asher had it first so he’s nearing the finish line. Have a great week, my friend!

  6. A miche bag? So THAT’s what those shoulder-straining totes are called. My husband would probably prefer that I use one of those instead of the many smaller leather bags in various colors that I like to swap my stuff around in. And sorry about the snot. I’ve found out the hard way from one of my runny-faucet kids that snot does not come off leather coaches too well. We bought the leather because it’s supposed to be so resistant to wear and tear. Yes, it is, but unfortunately not resistant to snot. Hang in there, Josh, the snot stage shall pass, though the undiscovered snot deposits may live on.

  7. Pew-pew-pew-pew-pew! haha.

    No sir Daddy, life is certainly not always sunshine and rainbows. It is like the American Dodgeball Association of America says, you just have to dodge, dive, duck, dip and dodge to survive! hahaha. Had a similar client experience today, following months of work #yay! But thankfully they are not our only client, I am ahead and we have an awesome project for December, so I’m excited too! That and I found out that Afrikaans is apparently a dying language? Who knew? The massive concerts and new releases totally had me fooled, HAHAHA!

    I know kids can be a lot of work when they’re feeling so sick – I sure was a handful with my tonsils and fever, true story. I was even once used as a heat source for cooking, haha, not a true story, haha. Seriously though – you’re a trooper and not the Star Wars kind!
    The week will end on a much higher note – I’m sure of it!

    1. It did end on a higher note. It always does. Got a massive job last week that propelled me over my goal, and then I just did that directed session today. Good times! They do keep me on my toes, that is for certain!

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