Thank You. No Thank You.

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Warning!  I am a satirist!  If you do not have a sense of humor or are easily-offended, these blogs may not be for you. May I interest you in an innocuous episode of Peppa Pig instead?

Less Whining. More Thanking.

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PLEASE NOTE!  Other voiceover bloggers have decided to post gratitude-related blogs for release in conjunction with the United States Thanksgiving holiday.  Being that I often go my own way, I decided to do my own thing and post.....a gratitude-related blog for release in conjunction with the United States Thanksgiving holiday.

 

Just Perfect.

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Everyone gets along.  There is no discord.  There is absolute harmony.  No one kills anyone.  Theft is a non-issue.  Justice is always served.  No one takes advantage of anyone else.  Everyone has plenty and to spare.  We all think alike.  There is 100% harmony.  Everyone affirms one another.  There is no smack talk.  Disease is a thing of the past.  Hunger has been abolished.  All people share with each other.  Deals are done on handshakes because there is trust. Lawyers are honest. Insurance is free for everyone. No one gouges anyone else. Deals are not done under the table. Fairness is everywhere.

*yawn and stretch*

Good morning.  Did you have a nice dream?  You were snoring, and even drooling a bit. Good to have you back.

Oh, if all that were true.  We would never need to watch another fantasy movie again!  Good would not need to conquer evil, because there would BE no evil.  Mushrooms would not exist.  The IRS would be dissolved. The guy in front of me would go fast enough finally. Michael Bolton music would be outlawed.

But evil does exist.  Taxes DO exist.  I am tailgating the guy in front of me and would enjoy pulling a pit maneuver to spin him off into a field for the slim chance that I can make it to the DMV (which is Very Highly Evil) before it closes. Mushrooms are in everything.  And Michael Bolton music continues to fill up elevators for some ungodly reason.

So what is to be done then, when there is SO MUCH to whine about?

Balance it out.  Be grateful for all the good.  I wrote about this exactly four years ago, but I think that is when you started standing in line at the DMV, so I am sure you missed it.

 

"Almost Perfect, But Not Quite."

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And now, once more, Shel Silverstein:

 

"Almost perfect... but not quite." Those were the words of Mary Hume

At her seventh birthday party, Looking 'round the ribboned room.

"This tablecloth is pink not white— Almost perfect... but not quite."

 

"Almost perfect... but not quite." Those were the words of grown-up Mary

Talking about her handsome beau, The one she wasn't gonna marry.

"Squeezes me a bit too tight— Almost perfect... but not quite."

 

"Almost perfect... but not quite." Those were the words of ol' Miss Hume

Teaching in the seventh grade, Grading papers in the gloom

Late at night up in her room. "They never cross their t's just right—

 

"Almost perfect... but not quite." Ninety-eight the day she died

Complainin' 'bout the spotless floor. People shook their heads and sighed,

"Guess that she'll like heaven more."

 

Up went her soul on feathered wings, Out the door, up out of sight.

Another voice from heaven came— "Almost perfect... but not quite."

 

I very much enjoy quality children's poems about people going to hell.

This one resonates with me because I know people who love to complain about everything.  They simply cannot find a peaceful, happy complimentary thing to say.  They nitpick.  They dissect and pick apart and critique and complain.  I suppose it is somewhat easier, because affirming costs you.  It costs you because negativity repels, and once you spew your venom, you are already prepared for backlash.  But affirming something or someone comes with it the unfortunate and undesirable and dreaded Human Connection Problem: people might want to actually STAY (NO!!!) and CHAT (WHOA!!!) if you do that!  EEK!  Connection???  GAHHH!!!

I understand that as a human being, I repel other human beings.  Especially when I have been wearing the same underwear since Tuesday.  And I am wearing said underwear on my head.  And there are racing stripes.  I get it.

It is pure fantasy to assume that each one of us will be unquestionably grateful for each one of us.  There are always undesirable elements about the person to our left and our right, and we would much prefer to clean all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with our tongues than to have to have to interact with them.  It's like this erroneous restaurant sign:

I'm good, thanks.

 

Mary Hume loved to criticize and complain.  There was always something to whine about.  So she went to hell.  And that is what this blog is really all about:

Stop whining or you will go to hell.

So with that, let us all be grateful.  For we have a lot to be grateful for.

By "a lot to be grateful for", I of course mean Angus Melts that have little to do with sphincters.  Also, for the record: this is a sentence I never thought I would need to include in a blog, but there it is.

 

Perfection In Imperfection

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My relatives are not perfect.  But this past Thursday, I got together with all of them once again, as is tradition every fourth Thursday of every November, to eat a giant bird and laugh around a table loaded with food designed to make us all go to sleep.  And we will do it again in about a month later, prior to opening up presents that we will smile and express a rehearsed "thanks" for, before looking for a receipt to return said presents for store credit.

I am at the point of my life where I do not really need anything.  No wish lists or Christmas requests.  I have everything I need.  I truly do.  Now please don't mistake me!  This state of mind does not in any way include that 85"4K TV that greets me at Costco: believe me, that is a real, tangible need, and if I do not get it, I will die.  But beyond that, I have everything:

  • A wife who loves me, or at least has mastered the art of pretending
  • Two kids that are beautiful in every way and that I never have to spank except for every Thursday
  • All my limbs are still attached
  • That 2021 Nissan Rogue that makes me feel cool and young
  • A warm house that is depreciating in value
  • A successful voiceover career
  • Working equipment
  • A great cache of repeat clientele (makes up 43% of my business)
  • The "Skyfire" Transformer toy that belongs to me, a near-50-year-old who apparently still plays with toys

 

Beyond that, there are things that I definitely do not need!  Such as:

  • Anus Melts
  • Riches and diamond-encrusted goblets and chalices
  • A barium enema
  • Mushrooms in anything ever.
  • Airplanes flying over my studio
  • A hole in my head
  • A hole in your head
  • Heads with mushroom-shaped holes of any kind that are diamond-encrusted on an airplane over my studio while I am eating an anus melt during an enema

 

Beyond THAT, I am exceedingly grateful.  Exceedingly.  This Thanksgiving, I give thanks rather than complain about not having an 85" 4K TV, which is sitting in my Amazon shopping cart as we speak.

I give thanks!  I give thanks for the ability to move my mouse over to the "add to cart" button right next to it.

I resound gratitude!  I resound gratitude for a working index finger to click my left mouse button and put said TV in my shopping cart for instant white-glove delivery to my house the very next day.

I express my utmost thankfulness!  I express my utmost thankfulness that my credit card and wallet just happen to be conveniently located nearby so that I may purchase this large appliance of holiness and wonder and beauty, representing all that is good in modern entertainment.

And when all is said and done, I am grateful that I may put my feet up and watch a good fantasy movie from the comfort of our new couch.  Which is also in my cart.

Costco should not be allowed to advertise expensive things.

So be grateful!  Just like Jon Gardner recently encouraged.

Don't have a new couch yet?  Give it time.  In order to get one, I suggest you first become like me.  Here, put this underwear on your head.

Now stop your whining and be grateful, or you'll go straight to hell, where there are no couches, all TVs go only up to 84", and all they play is Michael Bolton music. Forever.

And ever.

And ever.

 

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Joshua Alexander
The Voices In My Head Blog
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16 thoughts on “Thank You. No Thank You.”

  1. Thanks for the shout-out, my friend. I really appreciate it.

    What I DON’T appreciate is being threatened with eternal damnation when I sit down to read what I thought was going to be a brief bit of edutational encouragement. And yes, that is a word, because I just made it up. I swear, there isn’t a place a person can read these days without fear of being assaulted by perpetual condemnation. And please don’t whine about my whining about making me feel so unsafe that it makes me whine about it. That is your fault, as you are the one who said I would go to Hell if I didn’t stop whining, which I never do anyway, but if I did whine, I certainly wouldn’t do it anywhere near you so you could report me to the Angelic Department of Whining Eradication Services (ADWAS) and send me to Hell. I have a lot more to say on that topic, but not being a whiner, I will refrain from pointing out any more of the weaknesses of your prose. Oh, and you wrote your blog post too long, which is something else I never do. And have a great day.

    Your non-whining friend,
    Jon

    1. Nothing of what you said struck me as whining. I will not be reporting you to the ADWAS this time. I would still encourage you to stop by your local Beach Bum department and pickup a thong and a bulk pack of sunblock in the sad and unfortunate event that you DO end up in hell through no fault of my overly long blog. I wish you luck with your edutational requirements.

  2. I was recently gifted a box of old childhood goods that I had long forgotten about – if which included a couple of Transformers toys that I used to LOVE! These two jets, that, when you solve some kind of bizarre physical riddle between the two, conjoin into a bigger, transformer, super-jet of sorts. A jet to end all jets.

    This has been a very trying year on my end. But in it, I continue to find gratitude and much to be thankful for in my life. Yourself included, friend.

  3. Such a trailblazer to post about gratitude around thanksgiving. No one will see it coming, because we all know thankfulness and gratitude are in no way related, 😉 hahaha.

    I’m very grateful for a VO opportunity that I’m kinda giving a shot. We have a portfolio project that my boss would like to add and I thought it was the final project, lol. It has a VO part and I recorded it last night. I hope I can get it done before the end of the month (Dec) and that they love my VO for it. Since it isn’t for a final client, I want to redo the read (specified times were a bit short).

    I think thanksgiving is a holiday we could all copy from Dee-You-Ess. Da wurld wood B ey mulch butter plays! Had to encrypt that last part lest anyone entitled be offended, haha.

    I’m glad you had such a great time – racing stripes and all. I will wear my underwear on my head with pride on thanksgiving! hehe, but only in spirit, hehehe.

    1. Marius, I have always said that you look great in underwear – no matter where it is or how you wear it, or the state of its cleanliness (or not). Go forth boldly, my friend. Da wurld WOOD INDEEEEED B ey mulch butter plays!

  4. That Shel Silverstein poem got to me! So easy to get caught up in all the little things in life and forget to lift our eyes to see the big picture. And yes, Josh, gratitude IS a huge part of that. I find myself feeling and expressing gratitude more and more often the older I get, especially as I see others struggling with far more challenging situations than I have to contend with – and yes, I do have my share. Fortunately not too many airplanes flying overhead (though we do get helicopters). And I like mushrooms. Michael Bolton? Eh. I’ll live.

    1. Hahaha! I’ll live too. but I have a feeling I’ll live longer (and so will he, grrrrr!) the less I hear his music. But you’re right – we are so fortunate. All I have to do is look down and see I still have all four of my limbs. Something as simple as having all of my limbs…I mean jeeeeeeeeeeeeez. But isn’t that the truth? Some people don’t have all four anymore. For this, I am grateful…and I choose to recognize the little things that we take so often for granted, to resound gratitude for. I’m getting older too (dangit) and so I appreciate a life well lived all the more, with each year that I get under my belt. Gratitude is key. I’m grateful for you!

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