The Church of Voiceovers

Turn In Your Hymnal to Hymn #Voice123

Bible, Worship, Christian, Religious, Christianity

Used by permission from jaefrench via Pixabay

 

Our Church

ourchurch

My wife and I recently moved, and we love our church.  Yes, we are churchgoers, and I ain’t ashamed to admit it.  People tell me, “Oh Josh, you silly simpleton. Don't you know Christianity is just a crutch?”  They are right.  And I am a hapless but loveable stumblebum-cripple...with a strangely peculiar gimp and a penchant for wicked tomfoolery.

I need help!  I have so many issues that are beyond Oprah, Dr. Phil, or any powerful ointment to fix.  Unless you have any of that Super Mega Ultra Maximum Strength Troubles-Be-Gone spray that I can coat my children with to make them stop bickering.  I will take that in bulk please.  Pfffffffft.  Peace.  Done.

My wife and I are so very grateful for our new church.  It provides community, we are serving in various capacities (she with a story ministry, weekly bulletin prep, and the youth ministry; me with worship and playing the Sunday morning host guy, go figure) and we are integrating well and making new family and friends.  Indeed, I hosted this past Easter in one of my first Sunday morning quasi-standup routines, and I very much enjoyed saying to the audience, “One of the things that I really appreciate about this church is that they will let pretty much anyone up here on stage!”  And they will.  This past Sunday I went dressed in my battle thong, my feather boa, and my cape.  The announcements were of course riveting.  And the offering baskets overflowethed as a result.

But as much as I love my church, there are always politics at play, as there are pretty much everywhere you turn these days.  Except of course the local pub, which is my trusted go-to source for a wealth of mindless drunken blather from ill-informed silly nincompoops.

 

The Church and Politics

Imperia, Constancy, Pope, Church, Emperor, Peter Lenk

Used by permission from Z1 via Pixabay

 

The church is a wonderful community of like-minded people, all sharing a common faith, belief system, and values.  However, the more entrenched you get in the system, the more you notice that they are all, still, utterly human beings: flawed and opinionated to the core.  I am no different.  I am flawed, and that is my opinion.  (My wife will happily help certify that it is not just an opinion.)

The beliefs we have in common will certainly stay in common.  But we are still our own unique entities with our own unique preferences.  For instance, I very much enjoy wearing a T-shirt to church that says, “When this virus is over, I still want some of you to stay away from me.”  And I mean it.  We all play favorites, even in Christian circles.  Some people are a little different from me, and you will recognize them when you watch me quickly give them a fist-bump and briskly walk past - rather than stop and engage in conversation - which in Churchese means “Nice to see you, but I am entirely good with not seeing you again until The Rapture.  Take care, and don't let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya.”

That is just relationships.  But church politics?  I despise them.  I recently collided with them again when I was preparing a joke for my recent Sunday morning announcements, and had to broach the subject of “rompers.”  For myself, I was entirely unfamiliar with this curious new fashion, except for a dim awareness that there was a Room for them somewhere in the 1970’s when I was growing up.  I had to actually look up the definition in Webster’s:

 

Romper (“RAHM-purr”) - noun

Definition: Thing that Joshua Alexander will not ever wear.

 

Next I took the liberty of browsing Amazon to see what I was missing.  Nothing, apparently, except for a queasy disdain and an insuppressibly juvenile desire to mock like a giddy schoolgirl in knickers.

Anyway, later that Sunday our church was having a “Lake Day” at a local park, and, concordantly, one of my required announcements was literally to encourage people to look for the pastors in their rompers.  (This makes sense to me because one cannot generally romp without something to romp with. Ergo, rompers.)  So, I strapped on my graphic design helmet and proceeded to make an Amazon screenshot of romper listings, crudely Photoshopping the pastor’s heads from the church website onto some of the muscly, half-naked male models that were adorned with colorful rompers.

When I presented my intrepid finished PDF to The Esteemed Church Director, I was told, essentially, that “the church isn’t ready for this."  My reply?  "Oh, so... you mean, not ready for shirtless guys, who we will all be seeing tons of later at the lake today you mean?  Shirtless men in real life, dripping and shirtless, without shirts?  Is that what the church isn’t ready for, O Thrice Worthy and Beloved Church Director?"

So, in short, my creative genius was vetoed, and I would not get my much-deserved laughter and hallowed praise.  I was also asked to never wear my battle thong again.  Some people.

Church politics.  I mean really: what is church without a little quasi-nudity?  If memory serves, the very first two people who ever lived got to walk around naked all the time.  Now, the only people who are allowed to do that are my 3-year-old, and that drunk on the corner.  By the way why are crazy drunken people in the news who are getting arrested always naked and eating other peoples' faces?  I have questions.

In the end, I had to swallow my pride at losing what I thought would be an enormously good laugh, and instead shift gears to something that they felt would be a tamer, more innocuous substitute.  But in my heart, it was frustrating.

The church needs to be OK with half-naked sweaty musclemen pastors in rompers, for the Lord's sake.

 

The Church of Voiceovers

Church GIFs - Get the best GIF on GIPHY

When you think about it, the voiceover community is…kind of like our very own church.  We are all fairly like-minded here:

  • pursuing the same faith that we will get cast
  • using our God-given voices to affirm, encourage, and motivate
  • teaching others how to be better disciples of good performance
  • gathering together to improve our crafts
  • "encouraging one another daily, as long as it is called today" (Hebrews 3:13)

 

VOAtlantawithAdam

Now, it is true, there are definitely politics at play in this community as well...and there are always grumps on the fringe...but we take the politics with a grain of salt whenever they appear, strive to grow together through them, and collectively improve.  And we kidnap and blindfold the fringe-grumps and hang them up by their toenails on Thursday nights right before we go cow-tipping.

So with that, I propose that we formally start an actual Voiceover Church!  LET'S DO THIS!!

With no further ado, here are my appointees for who I think we need to usher us into community, and live the voiceover life well:

 

Senior Pastor: Paul Strikwerda

Paul Strikwerda (@nethervoice) / Twitter

For obvious reasons and due in no small part to his powerful preaching, Pastor Paul shall be the shepherd to lead us.  All Senior Pastors wear yellow shoes, right?

 

Executive Pastor: J. Michael Collins

Euro Vo Retreat V - J. Michael Collins

JMC is known for business acumen, prognostication (we will call it, ahem, “prophecy” in this context) and diplomacy; he will be able to reign in all of our different personalities and get us focused for smooth sailing when the seas get rough.  I also suspect he walks on water.

 

Worship Leader: Liz Atherton

Liz Atherton – The B-Hive Podcast

Liz is a cheerleader, and heck, all of the southern Baptist churches have worship leaders with great accents.  This Texan chick is a no-brainer to get our butts, er, mouths, singin’.

 

PR Rep: Sumara Meers

Sumara Meers - Voice Over Talent - English (Australia) | bodalgo

Our church will be fabulous!  As such, we will need someone well-acquainted with fabulosity in order to convey that to the world and draw in fellow voiceover believers.  Sumara’s Fabulous Flair sets the pace, and I think hot pink looks great on any church.

 

Office Administrator: Carrie Olsen

Voice Over Coaching - Carrie Olsen Voiceover

With Carrie’s organizational skills and ability to churn out sensationally compelling E-Learning, she will be able to instruct all of us in the ways of proper voiceover community etiquette.

 

Marketing Coordinator: Paul Schmidt

Paul Schmidt Voiceover - YouTube

Paul’s unflagging know-how in all things marketing and trends places him at the top of the list here.  Combined with the awesomeness of the aforementioned Sumara, they’ll be, ahem, hellbent on huge heavenly happenings.

 

IT Support: Emmett Andrews & Sean Daeley

VO Studio Companion: The Home Voiceover Recording Instruction Manual: Andrews, Emmett: 9781795241335: Amazon.com: Books

Sean Daeley (@SDaeley) / Twitter

I have never met more well-versed and tech-savvy voiceover gear-sluts. (As an aside: we get to say "sluts" in our church!)  These guys will rescue us from the dreaded BSOD's, and any equipment failures in our VO pursuits.

 

International Relations: Craig Williams

Craig Williams | Voice over actor | Voice123

He has a cool British accent.  This is really all I require.

 

Security Personnel: Brad Hyland

Brad Hyland (@HearBradHyland) / Twitter

I have met Brad Hyland.  Brad Hyland is big.  We therefore need Brad Hyland.  Plus his domain name has the word "power" in it.

 

Youth Pastor: Tom Aglio

Tom Aglio | Coaching Direct Marketing Voiceover Class

Tom’s youthful flair, everyman charm and compelling laugh will be more than enough to whip our youth into shape with proper VO training from the cradle.  Plus we want our kids to learn how to pronounce things correctly, and "Aglio" should keep them busy for a while.

 

Children's Pastor: Amy Stafford

Amy Stafford - Voice Actor

Aside from the fact that she has kids that are my kids' ages and they are cute as buttons, this current outfit reminds me of what a Minion would wear.  Kids like Minions.  Therefore, kids like Children's Pastor Amy Stafford.  Craaaaay-OLA would she be good at this, or WHAT?!?!

 

 

Mascot: Scott Burns

Actor - Scott Burns

Churches have mascots, right? Then I do not need to explain having the mascot be Scott Burns to anyone who knows Scott Burns, because he is Scott Burns.

 

There!  Services are usually held in:

 

Additionally, daily gatherings can be found on Facebook.

So that’s it!  Please pass the offering basket, greet Mama Greenfield on the organ on your way out, and there will be a BBQ potluck reception in the fellowship hall this October.

Hallelujah!  Please remember to bring your rompers, and leave them politics at home.  Can I hear an amen?

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Joshua Alexander
The Voices In My Head Blog
blog@itsthevoicesinmyhead.com ∙ josh@supervoiceover.com
206.672.6200 / 360.339.1900

46 thoughts on “The Church of Voiceovers”

  1. I appreciate the position, Josh.

    I hiked the Smoky Mountains this weekend and descended with two tablets. One iPad and one Surface. And I said unto the people, “Go forth (or fifth) and market. For those you reach out to will heed your word, and the work will multiply.”

    1. So Paul, as discussed, I’m going to need that “go forth and market” plan on my desk and I’ll get the press release and social media out before Marketing Sunday. 👍🤓 Signed, the PR girl.

  2. This is a church I can get behind! Where’s the folding table with the New Member sign-up sheet? I’d also like to volunteer to serve lemonade at Coffee hour…unless we’re drinking Kool-Aid in this group…

  3. Josh, as security officer for “The Church Of Voiceovers”… it’s my duty to let you know that your tithe is late again… If you can get that over to me today- I’ll make sure your record is cleared, and that extra brick on your road to heaven stays in place… I’ll be waiting. Don’t make me wait long….again.

    1. MY SINCEREST APOLOGIES! You see, I was going to pay, but my voiceover client still hasn’t paid me, and so I have been unable to pay you. Your tithe terms were Net 360, right? Perhaps I missed something… Forgive!! SHOW MERCY!!!!!

  4. Where are we meeting? I’m busy on Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights!😆😜 I’m e-mailing you a video that your half-naked romper comments reminded me of…

  5. I love the hymnal…and everything following. Great blog, Josh. Is there a minimum required for tithing this morning? I only have hundreds from all these voiceovers…

    1. No minimums! Come one, come all! But…can I borrow a few Benjamins? We can do it in the back hallway next to the Fellowship hall so we’re not making our Father’s house a house of merchandise.

  6. I’m thrilled to accept the position, Josh! Be assured that I will only curse when a child speaks out of turn, asks a question, or colors outside the lines. Also, please see my email re: plans to show Die Hard at our Easter picnic. Looking forward!

    1. Well, it IS a Christmas movie, and “Christ” is in Christmas…so….Christian movie, right? I mean….right??? Am I just crazy here?

      Make sure you have the kids see who can draw Hans Gruber falling from Nakatomi Plaza with the best crayon drawing!

    1. HAHA sounds good!!! You’ll have to fight Tom for it…but as fighting is SO prevalent in the old testament, this should be perfectly fine with the elders. Apply now, space is limited and there will be blood! 🙂

  7. I’M THE ORGANIST!!! As long as I’m making music, I’m all in on this gig!! Any chance I can have a separate offering plate? You know… musician pay… Great post as usual Josh 🙂

    1. Well OK, we could all make an exception just this once. But I’m not really the decision-maker of course; you will need to ask the CEO, JMC about that. However, as I am the creator of the blog and the instigator of this whole silly affair, you might say I am the illuminati behind the scenes… So if I must get nati, I will!

  8. Okay, I’m going to need all pastors and staff at my place this weekend for a photo shoot for the new church information book. Please wear your favourite hot pink – if you don’t have hot pink, I’ll have plenty to go around to suit everyone. Tom has organised one of his youth who’s studying art to do the photography for us and Amy will bring some of the cutest kids for the “look how family-friendly we are” shots.
    Please bring a contribution for afternoon tea and your best PR ideas. Thanks team!

    Seriously, Josh, I thought I was going to have to avoid this post… I actually love it. What a gift you are to this community.

  9. Great picks for sure!! Everyone looks the part as well!! Love it!
    Personally, I’ve always seen myself as part of helps, as Joyce calls it. Service ministry; cleaning, organizing, setting up, etc. I LOVE doing that sort of thing. If I had to organizing people, it would not be ideal, LOL. Interestingly enough, I’m actually currently trying to organize a music video shoot for an indie artist. He’s looking to put a feather in the cap! LOL, I’m sorry, haha.

    As an aside – generally, as church folk, we do specialize in the worst fashion choices, LOL.

    1. Haha yes we do! But I’m sticking to my feather boa and battle thong. It just has an air of…”holiness” to it, don’t you think? It’s both Old Testament and New Testament all in one!

  10. Has your Esteemed Church Director by chance uh…read the Bible? With all due respect, there’s a pretty hefty list of more scandalous things that go down in the good book that make a romper seem like an awfully tame thing. If we’re not ready for rompers, we’re in trouble. Human history ain’t a very proper thing by any stretch!

    1. Lol… I love your reply. It’s absolutely loaded with truth. but I’m laughing because I love your comment. “Awfully Tame Thing“ sounds like an excellent name for a band. I’m going to start one right now.

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