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A Running Start (Continued from Last Week)
Look! If I Turn To the Side…
Alright, alright, you can still see me. BUTT! - sorry - BUT! I have actively begun working out and am keeping to a decent schedule of regular workouts that do not include lifting my legs up on my recliner or doing a single forward-lunge for the beer on my coffee table (I keep it balanced on my tummy instead).
In fact, since last week's blog about how I had ballooned up to the size of a Macy's Day float, and the worrying development that small asteroids were starting to be sucked into me because of my huge gravitational pull, I have officially decided that I would like to be healthier.
Now, I do realize that some of you may also struggle with your own fitness. I invite you to simply ask me what I currently weigh, and you will instantly feel better about everything, even Meatloaf. Or, alternatively, meatloaf.
To lose weight, my latest workouts include:
- exercise bike, and
- launching small humans across our pool
This last one is my most favorite activity, because it involves my 6-year-old, Brennan, who desperately wants to be launched, inverted and to splash down into 4 feet of water ("again! again!") until my muscles are depleted, and my will to resist has been brute-force-excised, at which point this 6-year-old opportunist decides to put in his request for popsicles and money for toys.
Speaking of money, I’m also saving money by not purchasing fast food as often, and I will eventually be saving money through not paying the $352,765 I would have paid for all the emergency room visits I would have needed for them to repeatedly unclog my arteries of Taco Bell grease, and my kidney of those pesky Bottle Caps-driven stones. As I previously indicated to my illustrious voiceover blogger colleague Craig Williams, I have decided I would like to live a long life for my wife and children. They need me because I provide for them. Here I refer again to popsicles and toys.
Eventually however, this is my goal: to look as sexy as Sexy No-Tummy Craig Federighi (I am not kidding; that is his full name) of Apple, so that I can look sexy, and receive Apple products for free. PS, did I mention he is sexy and has no tummy?
So that is where it stands, fellow voice actor. You and I, in this sedentary career of ours, need to get our butts in gear. Let's get sexy and have no tummy together, shall we?
App-etite for Health
I am going to be vulnerable for a second. I am over 45, and thus, will soon be required to go in for a fun activity loved by all humans everywhere, called a colonoscopy. This is a delightful procedure whereby the proctologist, a curiously giddy Irish chap named Dr. Colin O’Scopy, enters my body to see if he can finally find Jimmy Hoffa.
I am kidding. A colonoscopy is where a doctor inserts various things into my body via orifices that were intended as an exit only. These things include probes, shovels, and giant nuclear missiles. This is an important procedure for the sole purpose of seeing if I can remain calm while I am ripped apart from the inside. Also to see if I do in fact have a colon, although I have been screaming all this time that I do, while they make me feel like a sock puppet. Also none of them will ask me for my phone number before doing any of this.
Where was I.
Ahh yes! I need to be very careful with my health now. Thank God that there are now great apps that can help me do just that. I am talking about apps like MapMyRun and MyFitnessPal. This last one, especially, is wonderful, because it reminds me how much of a Miserable Failure Who Sucks I am each day.
It is almost the same as my little 3-foot Confidence Boost named Asher. God bless my son, who does not quite yet know the word “fat.” The other day I was getting out of the shower, and he was in the bathroom with me. This is because showering alone, if you are a parent of a toddler, is a Thing That Does Not Exist. Also I am confident I locked the door, so please add lockpicking to his burgeoning resumé. Anyway, Asher gleefully exclaimed whilst pointing, “Look, Dada you have a big tummy!” Thank you, Asher, I already know this. Please remember I am 30,000 cheeseburgers ahead of you.
Little does Asher know that he also has a tummy, but I think what he was trying to say was “Look, Dada, you have a Giant Enormous Miserable Failure Who Sucks Tummy That Eats Everything And Did You Have A Bowling Ball For Lunch Dada?!?!?!?” I guess I should be grateful that my tummy was the only thing he commented on concerning its size.
Nonetheless, I have resumed using the MyFitnessPal app because it is a great way of keeping track of my caloric intake, which up until last week was a number that is the same as how many galaxies the James Webb telescope can see. I have now gotten it down to a more reasonable number, similar to the quantity of missiles that Russia has launched at Ukraine since May.
It is a little crazy, really, if you dare to think about it. In this day and age of fast food and drive-throughs and European wars, it is hard to eat sensibly. It really is. My family and I braved the crowds at Wild Waves waterpark this past Monday, and I can confidently say that the amount we spent on lunch was equal to the gross domestic product of Montserrat. I also thought it amusing that the actual cheeseburger I received looked nothing like the image of the ideal cheeseburger displayed on the overhead menu, which can be mine for the bargain price of only $36.99.
So these apps, you see, are critical for survival and maintaining order. Therefore, I suggest that we petition Congress to immediately ship 100,000 of these fitness apps over to Russia and Ukraine, in order to protect innocent lives and stop the carnage. If we all paid a little more attention to our caloric intake instead of always launching rockets at other nations, we might be a calmer, happier people, and stop hurling innocent children across backyard pools.
Except for Asher. You can have him. That way I can shower without knowing how big my, uh, tummy is.
By the Hair of My Double-Chinny-Chin-Chin
See here: the truth of the matter is that I desperately would like to live a long life, at least until they finally find a cure for the epidemic of dying. My sources tell me that all those born in 1765 have suffered a 100% mortality rate! This nuisance must be eradicated. We as a people must be more health-conscious and make better choices. And it starts with me, fellow voice actor.
That is why today, I am starting with the man in the mirror. I am asking him to make a change. And no message could have been any clearer! If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at your big tummy, and make a change. I think I speak for those who have died and would like to still be alive when I say, “Shum on! Heehee. Ow!”
Nana na, nana na, nana nana… oh-hoh-oh-oh-oh, duh, acchht, hiccup!
Dear readers, I apologize for not taking good care of myself in terms of my health. I am truly sorry that I let myself get to 1428 pounds. And I pledge that with every day, I will continue to put my family’s needs before voiceovers: after all, my family needs me for popsicles and toys.
So I will commit to continuing to commit. In fact, I will go so far as to say that I will continue to commit to continuing. What I am saying is that there will be a continuing commitment to commit continuances of committal so that in continuing, my commitment will continue to continue. To commit.
Thank you all for your support in this!
If you need me, my tummy and I will be in the pool preparing to throw Brennan just high enough for a James Webb photo.
In all sincerity, I am down 8 pounds since this past Monday. That is a great start. Onward and downward! In fact, I have come up with a new exercise tip: nothing burns more calories than walking through a spider's web. Follow me for more fitness tips!
YOU HAVE MADE IT ALL THE WAY TO THE END, AND I SALUTE YOU.
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- This is a fourth bullet point.
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