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Welcome to my new site! This is the very first blog published at the Brand New, Piping-Hot and Full-Flavored, Incredibly Unique and Hot-Off-The-Presses Voices In My Head Blog! Thanks for visiting and commenting! This is one more sentence with an exclamation mark at the end!
Human After All
I may have Superman branding, but it turns out I am actually quite human. Just ask my wife what happens after I eat Wasabi. She will readily inform you she has not seen tears like that since I watched Beaches. She cannot prove anything.
However, on Wednesday June 29th, I finally learned what CIA Stands for, which of course is "Coronavirus Is AllUpInsideYa." The CIA will find you: they are tied into everything, they will hunt you down, and you will be taken out.
I was found, it was tied into everything, it hunted me down, and I was taken out. For five days, at least.
After 2 years of skillfully dodging the virus, being vaccinated and even turbo-boosted, the coronavirus got me. Bob Seger said it best: "Shakedown, breakdown, takedown, everybody wants into the crowded light. Breakdown, takedown, you're busted. Let down your guard, honey, just about the time you figured it's alright, breakdown, take down, you're busted."
Frankly, Wednesday morning came as no surprise. I generally make a practice of licking everything in my path, so I was not surprised when I woke up with a cough and sore throat even though I had literally just gotten over a previous cold. I knew I was toast, and so I slowed way down, much like when you look nervously in your rearview mirror and see the flashing red and blue speed up behind you, and you are suddenly inclined to start obeying the speed limit. Toast. Busted.
Here I was, and now here I would stay. Quarantine Time. I had been corona’d at last. And, as ivermectin and injecting bleach were solidly out of the question since I like to think that I am smarter than a box of hair, it was time to do the only sensible thing one should do when one is in isolation.
Grab a blankie and start the Hunger Games movie marathon.
With that, enjoy my Misery (RIP James Caan) Journal!
Day 0 saw me with a bit of a junky cough and an intermittent headache. In the evening I was suddenly lightheaded and needed to lie down. I feel old and worn out. Also AARP keeps mailing me stuff.
Day 1 saw me wake up with a sore throat and lots of phlegm and a headache and a hangnail. Tested positive. Isolated. Somewhat labored breathing, primarily because my BMI is currently the same as Jabba The Hutt. Pounding headache all day. Fatigue. Body felt stiff. Coughing. Racing heartbeat and thoughts. Simply could not sleep: no matter how I laid my head, any kind of pressure on it or from it onto something else, was irritating. Racing thoughts. Nausea. Pounding water all day long so I had to pee every hour. This will not be the only mention of me peeing. Apparently drinking lots of water makes me create blogs where the word "pee" is mentioned frequently.
Day 2 saw me get up early and walk around outside for some fresh air, then go back to sleep until 8am. Headache and muscle fatigue lessened. Runny nose and coughs still. Peed some more. Wrote about it.
Day 3 finally saw me get some great sleep. Went to bed about 8pm. Runny nose, cold and cough still remain, but I am on Paxlovid now at the behest of voiceover colleague Arie Wong - this wonderful pill makes my mouth taste as though I am working my way through a casserole made of iron, airplane and bicycle parts. No headache. Some mild muscle fatigue still. Continuing to pound water. Some nausea, but only because the coronavirus is consuming me from within and soon I shall become a giant fly, or something is going to burst out of me and Sigourney Weaver will need to flamethrow it again.
Completed the entire Hunger Games Trilogy and started in on the Terminator series. Isolation has its privileges I guess. Visited with my boys outside whilst remaining 8+ feet away. Actually used the word "whilst." No hugs yet: that part is killing me. My wife has been an absolute warrior in all of this: washing clothes and bedsheets, wiping things down, putting both kiddos to bed, dealing with mutual tattle-telling by them all day long. She deserves a few free days when this is all over, and I intend to send her off to massage and mani-pedi bliss. Right after I am finished peeing.
What happened next was...
Day 4. Still in isolation. Slight productive cough and runny nose still. Mild dizziness. No new symptoms except a little backache, but I am 99% confident that's because my BMI is now the same as Texas. Getting out and getting some fresh air when the family is gone. Then they went into the pool yesterday and I was able to prepare it for them and then watch them through the windows. The water was a little chilly for them but warmed my heart watching them suffer. Misery loves company.
No brain fog. Still taking Paxlovid. This casserole could really use a little seasoning.
I will test tomorrow night. If symptoms abate, and I have no fever *without* using fever-reducing meds, I can return to the house; I just need to stay masked. Since I will effectively have conquered this silly corona business, I am considering the following masks and am open to feedback.
Day 5 saw me wake up with no chest congestion...still some gunk in my sinuses. Minimal coughing. No headache. Still sore because my BMI is now the same as Jupiter. Not once did I lose taste or smell as has been reported with some who have had their tongues or noses amputated.
I finally slept halfway through the night, got up to pee, then was able to sleep through. My body has been working for me to really flush my system as much as possible; the first night it was waking me up constantly to pee, so I could not sleep. I got up literally every hour to go pee. The first night it was every hour to pee; the second night it was every 2 hours to pee, the third every three hours to pee, and last night only once to pee. I have now said "pee" 12 times.
I'm going to take a test tonight (not from peeing. 13!). Fingers crossed! Things are looking positive - I mean negative! I mean positive that I am negative! - because I do not have a fever and have not needed to take anything to reduce a fever: that being one of the key qualifiers for leaving isolation. For this reason, I have shrewdly kept my thermometer in a bowl of ice to convince my wife to let me back in. Little did I know she beat me at my own game and changed all the locks.
I cannot wait to lift my children high, to stare into their eyes and kiss them through my Zorro mask, and hear their little voices tell me they love me and can I please leave the playroom so they can finally play in there again dad ugh.
Covid-kissing through screen doors is overrated. I cannot wait to hold my sons again and squeeze them until they flatulate.
Meanwhile, my friends sent me a sympathetic beach-sand inscription to let me know they were thinking of me.
What a movie marathon odyssey this has been. I have watched:
- Terminator 1, 2 & 3
- Hunger Games 1, 2, 3 and 4
- The Bourne Identity, Supremacy & Ultimatum
- Batman, Batman Returns and Batman Forever (I pretend Batman & Robin does not exist)
Yesterday I took a nice break and did some yard work, cleaning up some debris I had previously cut down, including those accursed telephone poles bordering our property. No one should notice.
I am so thankful for this Man-Cave we converted in January. It has been perfect, with a playroom, office, booth, couch, TV, WiFi, fridge, microwave, mattress, treadmill, exercise bike, and our little Pac-Man video game. I want to thank all of you who encouraged me through this journey, and for letting me write about peeing.
Finally what happened was...
Free at last. Thank God Almighty, I am free at last. Days 6 & 7 saw me with still a bit of a junky cough, not much, but definitely still present. Still blowing nose. Feel really good, just tired from an active day yesterday. By active I mean I am back to licking everything and still peeing all the time.
So…how did this affect my voiceovers?
Well, the thing I primarily learned is that if you have been in isolation for five days and have just watched The Bourne Trilogy, you should not drive vehicles. At all. You will drive like a maniac and you will presume you know martial arts. In all likelihood you will crash and get the pee beaten out of you.
Thankfully, the coronavirus has affected neither my performance nor my voice. That was my biggest fear. It has left me with a bit of a persistent cough here even as of today, Day 13, and blowing my nose on occasion…but other than that, I thankfully do not sound like a wheezing Sam Elliott who has just eaten Kris Kristofferson and barfed out Redd Pepper.
Nonetheless, I am not one to take chances, so I am preparing a full body suit to protect against Covid-20.
My greatest fear with Covid has always been becoming a "long-hauler". Long-Covid and Covid-based pneumonia have always terrified me, in the same way that I cannot look at a picture of Boris Johnson's hair without trembling. The truth is that I am already overweight and borderline diabetic. Those put me at higher risk for respiratory issues, which jeopardizes my career. I have been informed one needs to breathe to be able to speak well. I am very grateful to still be able to take a massive, unrestricted, wince-free breath, and not hear anything bouncing around in there, though my lungs are now pressing up against my bladder and so I must pee again.
Prior to being infected with our little spiked friend, I already had some slight breathing issues. But I believe this is primarily due to my steady diet of pure lard, milkfat, and Dairy Queen Buster Bars, being a former smoker, and the fact that my last aerobic exercise took place sometime during the Pliocene Epoch.
But, dear reader, I think we should all really take a moment and look on the bright side. By that I mean that I can still pee and live to tell you all about it.
By the way, I wouldn't touch that - I may have licked it.
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