Pandemics and Wars and Droughts Oh My!

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It’s The End Of The World As We Know It…And I Feel Fine.

 

Stay On Target…Stay On Target…

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Gary Jules had it right: It is truly a mad, mad world out there.  I also think people had it right when they labeled this not 2022, but "2020-Too."  Jesus should be returning at any moment.  Either that or we will be rained down upon from the heavens with either:

  • Fiery Monster SharkLocusts
  • Manslaughter GrizzlyGators, or
  • Hellfire WhaleSnakes wreaking destruction the likes of which this world has never seen except for in Michael Bay movies.

This has been a delightful year so far: one for the record books in terms of world peace and harmony:

Aside from that, celebrities are getting slapped on stage, and we just had a lovely 6.1 earthquake in Afghanistan.  With any luck, Caitlyn Jenner will be elected President before the year is out, at which point my family will decide to just go live on the Sun, because it will be less hot and bat$hit crazy there.  Sorry about the profanity; I usually try to avoid that in this blog, but this time I was powerless to resist.  Also I am talking about Jesus in this blog too, so it only makes sense that I balance things out with a little foul-mouthery.  If this bothers you, I invite you to opt for the Latin alternative: Chiroptera Cacas Insanis.

And finally, to top it all off, scientists are now concerned about a new public health threat after a man contracted "Super Gonorrhea", which I am told is gonorrhea with a cape.  I think we need this problem, because gonorrhea by itself is the stuff of boredom.

Through all of this, I, a Voice Talent like you, am simply trying to fly down this gauntlet towards the goal of destroying the Death Star Which Causes Voiceover Oblivion, being chased and shot at by Darth Vade- er, Monster SharkLocusts.

I must survive this gauntlet if I am to provide for my family.

 

Sign of the Times

Sign of the Times

Maybe Jesus really is returning soon.  If so I would like to be the one who announces his descent please.  Perhaps this will be the one voiceover affair where I actually am called upon to use my announcer voice“No, no, no!” the Casting Director will say.  “Less conversational!  More booming and inauthentic please.  Perhaps a degree of unattainability too, if you can muster it.  Aaaaaaaaand….one more for eternal safety please.”

The earthquake in Afghanistan last Wednesday is just one more example of the fact that this little rock in space is fragile, and we who live upon it are equally fragile.  Over 1000 people dead.  300 wounded.  6.1 on the Richter scale.  That, dear reader, is a powerful quake: even more powerful than the rupture my 3-year-old just produced during his recent nasal swab Covid test.  You have not lived until your neighbors hear the screams and come running over to ensure you have not inserted a Q-Tip through your toddler's brain.

I sometimes do not know what to make of this world, and it can get downright frustrating looking around and seeing all the mayhem, while trying to remain calm.  I have auditions and projects to voice, and these travesties and Armageddon-like events fray my nerves and can leave me on pins and needles wondering what will come next.  Thankfully Asteroid 2022 mercifully just passed us by - a safe 1,267,536 kilometers away - on June 13th before continuing its orbit back towards Mars.  With any luck, it won’t get bumped by Asteroid 1989 JA, which is a paltry 1.1 miles long, and be sent hurtling back towards Washington state.  Or, you know, all of them will come at us at once because the Alien Asteroid pilots have done their research and they have determined conclusively that Planet Earth is where the Amway scourge originated, and so its probably best to just wipe us out.

With any luck, the asteroid won't come preloaded with Super Gonorrhea.

 

How to Survive Without Moving To The Sun

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How do we make it through all of this and not become drooling vegetables?  Well, first of all, pray about it.  Seriously.  No really.  Stop looking at me crazy, please.  Oh, you always look that way.  I get it.  But no - it truly is time to pray for calm and peace.  And after you've said your Amen's, here is how to survive.

I humbly present my Top Ten Tips To Triumph Though Tribulation!

Tip Number One

Keep on focusing on your goals. There is no reason to believe that the recently discovered sunspot that is currently aimed precisely at your house is going to produce a solar flare that will actually hit your studio, as long as you wrap your entire house in aluminum foil.

Tip Number Two

Now would be a perfect time to stock up on toilet paper since inarguably the next pandemic is right around the corner, and you do not want to be caught with your pants down. Unless of course your pants are currently down, and you are on the toilet, and you are in need of toilet paper.  In which case now would be a perfect time to stock up.

Tip Number Three

Also stock up on gas, since by this weekend the price should be a comfortable $72.59 per gallon. Due to the current inflation, you may wish to hit that before it reaches the $100 mark.

Tip Number Four

Take the time to get yourself ordained online as a priest at The Church of Dude for only $35. When tribulation strikes, you will not only get to do voiceovers…but also Last Rites too for when the asteroid hits.  If only more people knew!

Tip Number Five

Do your research on defensible caves that you can move your family to, and that you can acoustically treat to provide voiceovers in.  Do this well before the zombies come.

Tip Number Six

Continue to market to your prospective voiceover clients. Make sure to use calming introductory ice breakers in your emails, like this: “Though I am aware that the Apocalypse commences this coming Tuesday, I would very much appreciate it if you would hire me to perform your voiceovers until then.” Have a courteous reply at the ready for when you are cordially greeted with profanity.  Bonus points if you swear back and slam the phone down.

Tip Number Seven

Try not to spend so much money at Sweetwater, and try to save a little instead? *insert raucous laughter of incredulity here*

Tip Number Eight

Make sure to submit all of your demos to the National Archives in the event that when underground scientists discover the secret harmonics that will eventually melt the ears off of our Alien Invaders, they will be able to play your Nissan spot and instantaneously fry the mother ship’s CPU from their hidden bunker in Nevada.  Thank you Lord for life-saving car spots!

Tip Number Nine

Water! It’s underrated. Drink lots of it, buy it, hoard it, boil it for sanitary purposes, bathe in it, clean with it.  Oh!  I hear it is also good for keeping the larynx moist.  Also I included this tip because I needed a place to use the word “moist”, which is one of my favorite words, right up there with “nougat.”

Tip Number Ten

Do not fret! I mean it!  Jesus will return shortly.  Because of this, I highly recommend becoming a Christian so that you can point and laugh at the earth-bound zombies as you slowly ascend into the sky with Our Lord, on your way to the Sun.  Just watch out for the Hellfire WhaleSnakes on your way up, as we already lost Jimmy.

There!  Now you should be just fine.  When you get to The Sun, look me up.  You can find us at:

123 Burning Street,

OhMyLordItsHot Plantation,

PassTheLotionville, Sun.

Seriously, do not panic.  After all, I think even REM had it right too: it's the end of the world as we know it.  And I feel fine.

Free illustrations of Earth

Used by permission from TheDigitalArtist via Pixabay.

 

 

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Joshua Alexander
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28 thoughts on “Pandemics and Wars and Droughts Oh My!”

  1. Another interesting blog, Josh! As soon as I finish panicking, I will get back to you with the rest of my comments. In the meantime, you should know, I am pretty sure I saw a Hellfire Whalesnake just yesterday. Jus’ sayin’.

  2. one of your best josh!! super fun to read today, i needed this. Did you see what I did there with ‘super’?? 🙂 🙂

  3. I never really believe the headlines. It’s always dire, no matter what you read. WE make our own fates and WE make sure to live healthy, happy lives. It’s not going to rain down fiery sulfur just yet…and even if it does, seriously? Just get a fire-retardant umbrella or something. People panic over everything these days, they’re so triggered by every little thing. Take a laxative and just chill.

    1. Craig, boy do I hear you. There’s a lot going on. Personally, I’m going to swallow these 500 Unisoms and check out until 2035 when everything will be resolved, the earth has been all burnt up and people have tilled the soil and planted and trees are growing again, and it’s one giant greenhouse full of beauty once more. At least, that’s the way it will be in my dreams. See you on the other side, Craig.

  4. I kinda live under a rock, tbh, except for shopping for a cave, hehe.

    Oh is water needed! I watched a few videos on nuclear explosions as well as the biggest bombs in history (research for a new tutorial, but felt it kinda inappropriate, cause Russia and Ukraine and stuff…) and interestingly, to some extent, you can actually still bathe in water that has been contaminated with radioactive particles. Not keen on trying it, personally, hehe.

    I sometimes find myself thinking how I would behave in a “end things as we know it” scenario and it usually starts with “well that just happened…” and proceeds with smalls steps to recovery – whatever form of cave that takes, lol.

    It’s just important never to cave in in these scenarios, hehe.

  5. There are heaps of underground homes in outback Australia, where they mine for opals and it’s 50 million degrees outside so they live underground. I guess I’ll go there. When Jesus shows up we’ll all be like “hey mate, what’s the bloody deal with 2022???”

  6. Loved the Latin touch! I attended Hillsdale College and have a lot of Classics friends who learned it. (I was not one of them. I just used Latin for the scientific names of animal species in my biology major.)

    1. Ita gaudeo te amasse, Iulia! O puer, ego amare scribo bonum blog piperatum cum Latino. Hoc mihi propositum semper est, homines benedicere linguam latinam in diario meo. E pluribus unum!

      1. Oh dear. I understand a word here and there, but now I’m going to have to get one of my friends to translate this. 🤣 At least I know the last part, though!

    1. Oh, Michael. Jesus could never leave you behind. What about all the boo-boo’s we might experience in heaven? We’ll need someone with a catheter and a stint and a tracheotomy tube up there still, methinks. I’ll put in a good word for you. Maybe I can get you a a Rapture VIP ticket?

  7. Funniest yet! I did try to do several of your list: wrapped the house in foil but we were still hit by a plague of bugs last Friday (true!) (1), got an electric car (2), installed a bidet, so no need for TP (3), but then I got tired when I realized there were seven more items on the list and I can’t do more than two or three things a day anymore. And that includes eat, take 22 pills and take a nap.

    1. Thank you Shirley! Sounds like you’re making progress on the list. Sorry about the bugs! Although if you time it right, you can shirley (see what I did there?) hit one in the air with a good shot from your bidet maybe? This all presumes you are not still tired and your aim is still sharp after 22 pills. We’re all rooting for you here!

  8. I stopped watching TV news about a year ago. It is amazing what a difference this made to my mental health and well-being. I am oblivious to all the Chiroptera Cacas Insanis that is going on in this world (nice touch btw!).
    My tip. Be comfortable with your demise. If you don’t appreciate the fact that your time on this earth is finite then it is near impossible to enjoy the moment. And life is just a combination of moments.
    Great blog Josh and thanks for keeping me up to date on World Affairs!

    1. Happy to, my friend! It is my great pleasure. In other world affairs, I will now go nurse my Covid and watch Zootopia, since all the world is a Zoo anyway. BUT! I will be smiling all the way through it.

  9. A useful lesson, Josh. Having reached the wise old age of 40, I can admit to you that it does often feel like the end of the world… but looking back, I can see that it must have felt like this multiple times in the last few decades. Ultimately, we must continue to function for our own sanity, for our families, and for the well-being of all those around us, and your post is a welcome reminder. “Nose to the grindstone”, as you said in one of your recent videos… The world moves on with or without us.

    I’ll leave this version of “It’s the end of the world as we know it”, for you to enjoy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbyO9H7LSkQ

    1. Well that was cool and unique! Never heard of her or that version before. Beautiful! I love her dull expressionless visage the whole way through. It’s like such apathy – “whatever!” You really do look like you feel fine, lady! Hahahahaha. 🙂

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