Life Lessons From An Almost Old Guy

One Year Older and Just BRIMMING with Wisdom

One Final Year of Youth

I just turned 49 years old this past Wednesday.  Turning 49 is a big thing in one’s life.  You see, forty-nine is a large number that, once obtained, signifies that you are nine years older than over the hill, 1 year shy of geriatric.  This is the age where things inexplicably stop working on you, and you will probably die soon from incorrectly breathing air.

When I die on August 4th 2073 (don’t ask; I just know) I hope it is in a way that will make people say “Kerschpilliginoink.”  The reason for that is because kerschpilliginoink is a word that in my ways, and in diverse forms, comes to mean absolutely nothing at all.  And that is precisely the point.  I want people to be absolutely speechless at my departure.

Whether it is from old age, heart attack, being eaten by wolves, choking on oxygen, or chopped into little bits by the propeller of a commuter plane, this old guy wants to go out in style.

I am aware that they say 40 is over the hill.  But I disagree.  And the reason why I disagree is because I feel like right around 40 is when I only finally started really living.  Heck, I got married at 38.  This is largely because I put it off; I knew that once I got married I would have to watch silly movies like Music and Lyrics, and conduct irrational activities like be forced to share my popcorn.

So bring on 50, because that is actually my mid-point, my “hill.”  We all know 50 is the new 40, just like lying around watching CNN is the new Friday night kegger.

And if that does not quite make sense to you, then I have only one thing left to say to you:

Kerschpilliginoink.

Ease On Down, Ease On Down The Road

Being very nearly incredibly old and wrinkly, it thus falls to me to share with you some of my life lessons.  But where does one learn life lessons?  Why, life of course!  Jeez.  You really need to keep up.  You kids and your loud music.  Why, it is nearly impossible to go through life and not learn lessons, unless you are a career telemarketer, where it is evident that you have clearly not learned that no human will ever like you even a little bit.

But before I share with you some of the intriguing lessons I have learned, let me share with you just a smidgen of what I have been able to accomplish in my life:

• I placed 7th in the nation in a Bible Quiz competition quoting the Gospel of John when I was in 8th grade.  I was able to memorize 832 of the 879 verses because I had no girlfriend.
• When I was 17, I was impaled by a sea urchin in Mexico and nearly drowned.  The sea urchin did not apologize, and I made $6.50 from this stunt, which I highly recommend if you have a death wish.
• I have written five books.
• I have authored over 250 blogs.
• I successfully created two small humans with my wife.  I cannot even change the oil in my car, but I was somehow able to create living, breathing beings.
• I have produced nine musical CD’s, toured with my band, received radio airplay and interviews.
• I once was nearly eaten by a dog on the playground of my elementary school. I have since suspected that he was in cahoots with sea urchins.  I am told I was delicious.
• Along with my cousin, I once watched an entire marathon of the TV show “24”, for 24 straight 1-hour episodes, in 18 hours.
• Between 2003 and 2007, I had 14 different jobs.  If memory serves, they told me to "up my performance."  And if memory serves, I replied defiantly, "I DID up my performance; up yours."
• I got married when I was 38 years old, roughly a whole generation later than many young people.  I think this was because I was re-memorizing the Gospel of John.
• I was once so broke that I was regularly obtaining payday loans from Payday Loans, in order to pay for payday loans from Checks Cashed, in order to pay for payday loans from MoneyTree
• In elementary school, I tried to woo a girlfriend by showing her how many Sloppy Joe’s I could eat.  Me elementary warrior.  Me eat Joes and woo girl.  *brandishes club*  Me not know what brandishes mean.
• I am a fraternal twin, and my twin was born with Spina Bifida.
• When my second son was born, my voice - frequently cast to encourage and affirm - was rendered completely ineffective.
• I once delivered a paper route of 149 customers spread over 5 miles, in 39 minutes.  This was that one day I drank 327 cans of Coke.
• I was nearly killed by the Craigslist killers of Pierce County in 2010 when I was selling a TV and felt something was “off” in communications with them when trying to arrange a meeting. I am not kidding. A policeman contacted me afterwards and verified that the party interested in my TV were in fact the ones linked to a series of home invasion robberies and murders
• I became debt free for five minutes in 2020.
• I used to speak conversational Italian.
• Mt. St. Helens blew up on my 7th birthday.
• Mt. St. Helens has subsequently ignored all of my other birthdays.

These are my claims to fame, or at least, to some of the things that I have experienced.  Not all of them are reputable, but they are darn entertaining.  To me, at least.

What Have You Learned, Dorothy?

And now, as promised, here are some of the things that I have learned in my 49 years:

• I learned in the course of my high school algebra class that I can actually sleep with my eyes open.
• I have learned that the most important quality to possess is gratitude
• I have learned that it’s not enough to listen; you have to hear
• I have learned that it’s never too late for a successful career change, such as from wedding videography (which is Pakistani for soul-sucking and mind-numbing self-flagellation) to full-time voiceovers in 2016
• I have learned that birthday cakes with Transformers and Minions on them are perfectly acceptable at age 49.
• I have learned that everything I have been given is a gift
• I have learned that my boys are growing up too fast.  My wife and I are now realizing this is because we give them food.
• I have learned that it is more blessed to give than to receive
• I have learned that people can be incredibly brazen and cruel in their private dealings, and yet masquerade as convincingly righteous and honorable in the public eye. As result, I have learned that I have become more cynical by nature.
• I have learned to not take anything for granted
• I have learned that if you have small children, you no longer poop alone.  #truestory
• I have learned that untethering is the key to calm.
• I have learned that I can indeed take a break.
• I have learned that it’s OK to be real, transparent, and vulnerable.
• I have learned that I am, even at 49 years old, incredibly self-conscious.
• I have learned that sea urchins do not ever apologize.
• I have learned that I was destined to be married to my beautiful bride.
• I have learned that there is truly no better dinner than Costco’s 10lbs of king crab.

And finally, I have learned that life sometimes leaves me completely Kerschpilliginoink.

How about you?

Sincerely,

Almost Old Guy

(PS, I really should run these pictures through FaceApp and see what I look like OLD!)

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YOU HAVE MADE IT ALL THE WAY TO THE END, AND I SALUTE YOU.

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• This is a fourth bullet point.

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Joshua Alexander
Seattle Voice Actor & Voiceover Artist for hire
[email protected]
206.672.6200