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Sleep is Underrated
My Nocturnal Hellscape
If you’re anything like me…then you are nothing like me. So that was dumb what I said. Scratch that.
But if you are anything like yourself, you know you need a good night’s sleep.
For myself and my wife, we have two small humans living with us that seem to think that their bed is not their bed and that our bed is their bed and everything else that is ours is not ours and is actually theirs, including our sleep. Our sleep is their sleep. By that I mean that we do not sleep, because they own it and it is theirs. Sorry, my italics key was accidentally locked there for a minute.
How this usually plays out is through late night (see: early morning) wake-ups wherein one, or both, of them will join us in our (see: their) bed, along with my wife, the cat, the dog, their overlarge stuffed animals, their blankies, and my ebbing will to live. Other times this will entail them waking up because they are sick, and then proceeding to vomit on themselves, the floor, the walls, us, our (their) bed, life, the universe, and all matter everywhere. I am reminded of this when I catch that faint whiff of throw-up stench that you just cannot ever seem to get out of the carpets. So we will be moving soon, because my wife tells me that we apparently cannot sell children and can only sell our house instead.
So if you are looking for a house that smells faintly like throw-up, then dear reader: today is your lucky day.
On the rare occasions when we are not blessed with overpopulation in our (their) bed, my wife and I usually sleep like the following, and I have employed my fantastic and incomparable art skills to bring clarity to this matter:
No, I do not have a beak. No, my wife is not Medusa. Yes, our dog is made out of clip art. And no, we are not flipping each other off. Please do not take the fact that we sleep on polar opposites of the bed lead you to believe that my wife and I do not love each other. We do: in fact we just celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary this past Thursday, which is a point in time where couples celebrate 3650 days of not killing each other with a hammer.
It's just that my wife and I have simply both come to the epiphany that sleeping close to each other may actually result in more small humans in our home, and our (their) bed cannot possibly hold any more of them, or the bed legs will buckle, sending all of us plummeting into a parallel universe where sleep is outlawed, Michael Bolton music reigns supreme, and cats are in charge, and unfortunately I would instantly be sent to prison there for hate crimes.
However, this is not the ideal sleeping position, as there are still far too many lifeforms on the bed. This does not facilitate restful sleep conducive to voiceovers. And neither does this example, which sometimes happens and serves to reinforce my distaste for all cats everywhere forever until the end of time:
As mentioned previously, sometimes we are subject to small humanoids crawling into bed with us, bringing so many items and luggage with them that my drawing now requires a legend. Please observe how:
- my wife has not moved
- the dog was unable to tolerate the extra occupants and has now fled
- my 6-year-old son’s leg is crossing over mine which is an invasion of my personal space
- the cat is seemingly unconcerned that my oxygen levels are falling
- my 2-year-old son is compelled to stretch out completely until everyone else is pushed completely off the bed
- I am now unconsciously brandishing fists and preparing to harm small animals.
When this happens, the following is the only sensible thing to do:
A Good Night’s Sleep for Good Voiceovers
Maybe you sleep like this during the night:
Or, perhaps you sleep like this:
Or maybe you do not sleep and you look like an angry fist-brandishing Medusa.
However you sleep, make sure it is a full 7 to 9 hours. Now, here is where I freely confess a little “do as I say, not as I do” syndrome, because I usually only manage five hours per night. Again, I blame the small humans. I am working on it, believe me. WebMD stresses the following:
“Most adults need 7 to 9 hours, although some people may need as few as 6 hours or as many as 10 hours of sleep each day. Older adults (ages 65 and older) need 7-8 hours of sleep each day. Women in the first 3 months of pregnancy often need several more hours of sleep than usual. The Alexander family will never get sleep because of the two small humans who claim their parents’ bed as their own, and they should henceforth renounce any and all hopes for sleep ever period forever and ever amen.
I found WebMD's explanation curiously specific.
Above all, though, you should never ever ever sleep like this:
I know it is incredibly tempting to run out for every single little audition that may pay the rent or mortgage, no matter the time of day they land in your inbox. Resist the urge. You need your sleep.
So: once you have officially committed to sleep for the night, here is what the Pro's do:
- Take some anxiety medicine, like I do. I know exactly where to find my anxiety medicine because they come in a package labeled "Jelly Beans."
- Turn off all lights
- Turn off your phone (or put it in sleep mode). Alternatively, park your car tire over it and throw the keys in the lake.
- Move to a house that is near a lake. (This is actually Step 1A).
- Lay down and try to sleep.
- Leave your phone to charge in a different room so that the temptation to check it for available jobs is precluded by the fact that you are sleeping naked and someone will undoubtedly point and laugh if you get up.
- Sleep naked (this is actually step 5A).
If however you find yourself tossing and turning, growing angrier by the minute, and feeling as though you are about to harm small animals, I have a cat you can borrow.
Voiceovers are important. Sleep is important. Good sleep before good voiceovers is important.
You are welcome. Now please go to bed so that I can get all the jobs you will not be auditioning for because you are naked. *points and laughs*
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