Just Adapt Already, Will Ya?

Adapt or Die. Adapt and Overcome. Be Adaptable.  ADAPT ALREADY, DANGIT!

Burn The Books

Used by permission from Om_Om_Om via Pixabay

I never took a Business Guidance Course.  They were always advised for people at my various schools who sought to become freelancers or entrepreneurs.  "You must learn this" and "you must learn that".  And truly, there was a veritable cornucopia of knowledge to be had!  I confess I never actually learned what "this" and "that" turned out to be, but I am fairly certain it had something to do with Santana.

Business Guidance Counselors and courses can teach you about:

• Running a business
• Learning how to run a business
• The Entanglements of Various Business Running Things and Stuff
• More stuff about Businessy Things and Entrepreneurial Hootenanny
• The proper way to run a business
• Effective Business Runnage...ment...itude...ness
• Running fastly from a business when you discover that it is going to kill you
• How to make Chef Boyardee with crushed Oreos, and be politely asked to please not cook for the family ever again

I never took a business course, but I hear they are valuable.  Apparently they teach you all about accounting, and marketing, and self-investment.  They teach you about goal-setting and target markets and income tracking.  They even teach you about websites and blogging and SEO, which I am told is an acronym for Something Everybody Oughttaknowbutdoesn’t.

But there’s one thing that they most certainly do not teach you in business school, and I was pondering this while I was eating my raviolis with vanilla frosting.

How to be adaptable.

You cannot be taught adaptability.  It is something you must develop on your own.

I once wrote about this in a previous blog, and I will now link to it, because:

1. Anyone who knows my writing style knows that I am fond of linking to myself
2. It is important that you know the importance of being adaptable in business, and
3. I must now vomit, because tomato paste and synthetic vanilla frosting apparently do not go together

In freelancing pursuits, we need to be adaptable, because, when tension and testing come, we will snap like a twig that has been encased in carbonite and sealed in an airtight vacuum of a granite exoskeleton dipped in molten lava and then launched into the cold dark blackness of space where the temperature is minus 455 degrees Fahrenheit, which is a word named after a Prussian scientist who I assume took a Business Guidance Course on how to take something's temperature.

I think you see what I mean now.

We must bend, or we will break.  In space.  While encased in carbonite.  Dripping with lava.

Changes, Modifications & Upheaval

Used by permission from Santa3 via Pixabay

Nothing dramatic happened to our world from December 2019 through the present.  There was no upheaval, no dramatic turn of events, and no change in the status quo that we all lived and operated under.  Life went on unhindered by any remarkable developments.  We were not required to adapt in the slightest.

If you believe that, then you will also believe me when I say that dinosaurs still roam the earth, politicians have pure hearts of childlike innocence, I cook good meals, and Michael Bolton is talented.

Here we are in February 2022, nearly two years since Covid-19 was declared a pandemic, and the world was upturned as people everywhere panicked and scrambled to find a dictionary to look up pandemic.  We sprayed mail down with Lysol.  People stopped eating out.  People stopped eating in.  People stopped eating.  In a moment of incredulity that will live in infamy, bleach was even suggested as an alternative.

And then, of course, everyone was seemingly wiping their butts more, because presumably we all had loose stools from the depressing news, and stores could not keep up with supply and demand.  Masks were mistaken for underwear, and crazy people everywhere could be found wearing masks on their nether regions at your local Wal-Mart, which is a weird place where weird people go to dress weirdly.  I know: I found my battle thong and cape there.

Lockdowns commenced.  Social distancing ensued.  All sex everywhere stopped.  I am kidding about that last one.  Sex does not ever stop or take a break.  As a result, I am told that since 2020, nearly 6,000,000 people have now died because of sex.  A vaccine for sex is reportedly underway, but will not arrive in time to stop the theatrical release of Debbie Does The Pandemic, at which point all life on the planet should presumably come to a screeching halt, except for Will Smith and a dog.

Curse you, sex.

In sadder news, there have been tragedies that have resulted during, and perhaps because of, the pandemic.  Physical abuse took an upturn.  Social justice demonstrations, violence and looting.  Academic scores plummeted.  And to top everything off, there was an increased dependence on, and overage of exposure to harmful elements such as substance use, alcohol, and The Kardashians.  Even Bobby McFerrin was depressed.

Curse you, Bobby.  You are supposed to be setting the example of being happy.

It has been tough, yes.  But we have made it this far.  How?

Resilience.

But also sex!  I think we figure we are all going to die soon anyway once the next asteroid actually hits us, so let us be flexible and have some good sex while we can.

Try as I may, I simply cannot find a flaw in this logic.

The Return of Stretch Armstrong

"Original Stretch Armstrong" by JeepersMedia is licensed under CC BY 2.0

As I previously mentioned in the blog I previously mentioned, “it appears that Stretch Armstrong is made of latex rubber filled with gelled corn syrup, which allows it to retain shape for a short time before shrinking to its original shape. After experiencing such an epiphany and craving the same resilience for myself, I have been methodically ingesting a steady diet of car tires and corn syrup, and son of a gun - I am indeed expanding as a result.   If only more people knew.  My shape has not yet contracted to its original svelte form and function, but I believe this is also due to Taco Bell.  In the end I hope to land in the same hospital that Michael Apollo Lira serves in so that we can talk about voiceovers and how I will soon die from undiluted stupidity.”

If you are suffering from undiluted stupidity, as I was, then let me encourage you.  We are almost through this.  Vaccines are distributed, people are getting boosted, and some people have even been turbo-boosted.  Indeed, there have been documented reports of a diminutive red-overalls-sporting Italian turbo-boost recipient able to jump over mushrooms, activate coins, squish Goombas, ascend a staircase, high-jump, and land on a flagpole in record time, all whilst listening to an unforgettable 8-bit tune.

The Hallmark Channel even continues to play I Am Legend, demonstrating to everyone on Family Movie Night that you really can make it out as the lone survivor of a stretch-mouth zombie apocalypse and strangle your dog to death.

I am kidding.  But I am being truthful when I say that we truly are almost through this.  Numbers are dropping, Omicron did not turn out to be the planet-eating Transformer we all feared, and after repeated requests my local radio station has finally banned Michael Bolton.  So you see there truly is hope, and suggestion boxes actually do work.

In voiceovers, adapting means this:

• Changing up your marketing
• Returning to coaching
• Being willing to try new genres
• Auditioning more
• Relearning the essentials
• Providing more reads per audition
• Explore performing new accents
• Rethinking your marketing message
• Networking
• Going outside your comfort zone, or
• Recording naked

"West African Big Eyed Forest Tree Frog" by susie2778 is licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0

I promise I am trying to keep this blog PG or lower.  But "some evidence suggests that west African frogs may change sex from female to male after having successfully bred. Animals that switch sex as adults are known as sequential hermaphrodites because they have the gonads of either sex but at different periods of their lives." (Wikipedia).  I find this interesting and convenient as I would sometimes enjoy being a man in the morning, but have different gonads in the afternoon for when I ride horses.  However please note for the record that I am not comparing women to frogs.

We know down through history that those who are inflexible do not last.  To quote Joey on Friends, "Sooner or later they just...stop lasting."  So...be flexible.  Be adaptable.  Be a West African frog.  Be Stretch Armstrong. We have all had to be flexible and adaptable, a sort of Stretch Armstrong, over these past few years.  But hope cometh!  Just think: in the year 3758 we will all look back on this and think, “Wow, how are we still alive???  It’s weird being a zombie.  But hey!  At least we were flexible when we needed to be.  Pass me some raviolis with a side of human, will you?  This business course material is making me hungry.”

Now go have some sex, and for safety's sake, please remember to wear a mask.  And if you for some reason find sex awkward, try switching gonads.  Hey, it works for frogs (which are not the same thing as women).

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Joshua Alexander
Seattle Voice Actor & Voiceover Artist for hire
[email protected]
206.557.6690