Voiceoversss, Yesss My Preciousss

Slave to The Precious

Used by permission from E1St0rm via Pixabay.

Voiceovers have the ring of truth

Used by permission from paxillop via Pixabay.

We all know and love The Lord of the Rings.  It is one of the most hallowed series of all time, up there with Star Wars, The Police Academy movies, and the 3-page menu of Chung's Chinese Take-Out.  It is tremendously vast in its scope, so that it compels you.  It is utterly engaging in its content, so that it draws you in.  I have now said “it” seven times, which, Biblically, is the number of completion, so I will stop it now.  Eight.

I choose herein to forego any mention of:

• Indiana Jones, because of 4
• The Matrix, because of 3 (and frankly 2 as well)
• The Alien series, because of 3 (I will not allow 4 to exist in my world)
• Also please let me clarify that when I say Star Wars, I am referring ONLY to Episodes IV, V and VI, which were originally 1, 2 and 3, but are now sequels that were first, and now are last, having been released previously to come afterwards.  Is everyone confused.

As an example, my only two takeaways from Star Wars: The Phantom Menace are:

• My mantra: “Your focus determines your ability”, and
• The epiphany that I truly can sleep with my eyes open.

I think it is possible to watch The Phantom Menace. In fact I will believe you if you say that it is just as easy as riding a bike.  Except the bike is on fire, you are on fire, everything is on fire, and you are burning like a torch in the fiery inferno of hell.

For me, I love The Lord of the Rings.  (Please note that I did not say The Hobbit, which is The Lord of the Rings dipped in spastic irritation.)  LOTR remains one of my favorite movie sagas, especially with all twenty-seven of its endings, and the sheer improbability that absolutely everyone survives: even Bilbo Baggins, who by the end of the series is older than Bernie Sanders.  All of the good guys survive!  Well, unless you try to take the ring from Frodo.  Then you do not even make it out of Movie One.  I am looking at you, Boromir.  (Sorry for the spoiler, dear reader; I assumed you do not still live in 2001).

And then there is Gollum.

Wait - why is this blog all Gollumy?

"Gollum" by Gage Skidmore is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0

I do not think that Gollum has enough blogs written about him, my precious, and so it is only fair.

Oh, that Sméagol: what a characters.  Utterly enslaved to the corrupting allure of the Ring, his precious, he would do anything to get it back.  Kind of like me when Family Ties went off the air.  Or when Sean Young wanted to play Catwoman so bad that she went completely mad and torpedoed her career.  Let this be a lesson to approach superhero movie roles soberly.  I know I do when I receive all those auditions for portly Taco Bell-eating crime-fighters.

Recently I had my own Precious made.  It’s a titanium ring, and on the inside are inscribed the names of the three people dearest to me.  By dearest I do not mean Judge Judy, Satchmo or Fizzgig from The Dark Crystal.  This time I mean my wife and my two sons, whose names are laser-etched in font size 2 and in some form of ancient Sanskrit that makes it impossible to see unless you throw it into the fire, which I am told summons the dark magic.  By dark magic I mean Tracy Chapman music.  What is it with people throwing rings into fire to read them anyway?

My ring is very precious to me.  I wear it all the time.  A few days ago I began ruminating as I donned it for the day.  Lifting it on its chain over my head and down onto my neck, I was struck by nine immutable things:

1. How heavy it is.
2. How beautiful it is.
3. My cranium is so large that small asteroids are sucked in by its huge gravitational pull.
4. I need to look up the definition of immutable.
5. I need to buy milk today.
6. Nope, still cannot read the inscribed names.
7. Why nine immutable things?
8. Why does ruminating sound like a verb meaning to unscramble a multi-colored cube?
9. I am able to do something utterly mundane and have it conjure up random ideas for a strange new blog for bored voice talent on Monday.

...which is precisely what ended up happening!  You are here because you were bored and you needed something random.  And you are a voice talent.  And it is Monday.

I am sort of like Gollum.  Here are just some of the key ways I compare my family to the Ring:

• My family is the most precious thing in my life.
• They are a burden.
• I am enslaved to them.
• I desire them above all else.
• They are utterly beautiful.
• Some of the strength of our bond has been formed in fire.
• It is hard to be away from them, and I find that the separation causes anxiety.
• I have a tremendous responsibility to carry them.
• This responsibility sometimes makes me weary, at which point I find myself craving a flagon of ale served with a leg of lamb and a phone to Tweet to people that I have now updated my jargon to include the word "flagon."

In fact, the only real difference between my family and the Ring is that I feel no calling to drop each of them into a volcano.  Well, maybe Brennan sometimes, when he insists that my commands are to be taken humorously and that obedience is somehow subjective and optional.  Then I might.  But then Asher would have no brother to learn the art of misbehavior from, and I firmly believe this is an art form that should be preserved.

Like Gollum to the Ring, I am slave to my family.  Like Gollum to the Ring, my family is my reason for living.  Like Gollum to the Ring, I am wrinkly, eat raw fish and wander around half-naked, talking about myself in the plural.  (But we only does that on Thursdays, yes precious, we does.)

What are you slave to?

"Gollum" by San Diego Shooter is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

Ultimately, we are capable of becoming enslaved to a wide variety of things.  For me, that is Bottle Caps candy and Taco Bell.  IMHO, there are plenty of other things that could be a much more negative vice.  Like scalping homeless people in their sleep.  Licking the red stripes off of candy canes and hanging little white hooks back up on the shelves.  Having a pet tardigrade.  Splicing plutonium atoms.  Creating my own humans.  See?  Negative.

My therapist says I should not be allowed to make lists.

During the course of any given week, I perform 5-10 free video consults for voiceover newcomers.  One of the things that I routinely find myself saying to them is “Hello, nice to meet you,” as I have previously been instructed that this is what you say when you meet someone new.  But I also tell them that I “live, sleep, eat, drink and breathe voiceovers.”  This is a true statement.  It has become a career that is utterly precious to me, and one that I would not willingly untether from or allow to be destroyed.  I would bite Frodo’s finger off too if it meant keeping voiceovers. So just watch your back, Mr. Frodo.  And your finger.

Voiceovers are my precious.  So is my family.  So is my faith.  Heck, I have a lot of preciouses, which is a word I have just coined.  You read it here first, folks.  But with voiceovers in particular, they are a pleasurable torment that I willingly enslave myself to, because they enrich our lives and allow me to provide for my family and turn our dreams into reality.

How many preciouses do you have, and how precious are they?  Would you give your all for them?  Would you die for them?  Are there things you are currently dying for, which you have no business being allegiant to?  Are they corrupting you, or improving you?  In your addiction, can you see through the fog to know the difference?

If not, then please just pick me up another box of immutable Bottle Caps, some milk and a finger.  Come on over, and we will have a nice chat, my precious.  I will initiate the conversation with a hearty "Hello, nice to meet you."  And you will find that you can sleep with your eyes open.

=============

YOU HAVE MADE IT ALL THE WAY TO THE END, AND I SALUTE YOU.

• Like this blog?  My children are counting on you to put bread on our table through the purchase of one of my books.  Do it for the children.
• NOTE: This blog is purely for commentary / educational / entertainment purposes.  I am looking at YOU, PicRights & Higbee.  I make no money from these blogs; though I do not refuse large cash gifts if it means I can pretend I am a church
• Check out my whole UNIVERSE of blogs right HERE!
• This is a fourth bullet point.

AND HEY!  WAIT JUST A S.E.C.!

• S-UBSCRIBE & S-HARE!: If you enjoyed this blog, please consider subscribing and sharing with friends and family, and encouraging them to subscribe and share.  Offer treats for doing so.
• E-NCOURAGE: Go encourage someone else today with a single, simple sentence of affirmation.  Tell them, “I like your earrings”, unless of course they are manly men, in which case you should compliment them on the size of their chainsaw.
• C-OMMENT: I want to hear from you.  Please feel free to comment below!  Comments with lots of “You’re wonderful” or “You’re the best” will receive instant approval and acclaim.

Need a voiceover?  Request a quote today or visit my Demo Reel. Or subscribe.  Or do other things.

Joshua Alexander
Seattle Voice Actor & Voiceover Artist for hire
josh@asupervoice.com
206.557.6690