Written by a dated Voiceover Artist
An entry from a non-mind-wiped married male
These are strange times. Dare I say “uncertain times”? No, I dare not say that, because that has truly been said enough…certainly so much so that I’m certain that I'm able to certainly say, “these are certainly uncertain times.” I get it, and so do you.
But one thing IS certain, and that’s that people still need relationships. These social distancing measures are effective, but they leave us craving more intimate fellowship, such as that enjoyed by Cuttlefish and Bonobos. Not that Cuttlefish and Bonobos are intimate with each other, mind you (would they produce Cuttlenobos? Bonofish? Just a thought) although anything is possible with social distancing deprivation. You just never know what a lonely fish will do when it has needs. Or a Bonobo for that matter, if it’s feeling particularly randy. And voiceover artists? Why, we're stuck in a small room talking to ourselves all day. It goes without saying that we would just like to be held and rocked from time to time. And whispered sweet nothings to wouldn't be so bad either, be it even by a Cuttlenobo.
Relationships are important. I’ve found that, while wandering the halls of my home, I often encounter other people there, and after searching my memory for a brief moment, realize with a pleasant shock that they are my wife and children. “Oh!” I say, eyes wide with delighted surprise, “You're here too!” Or, while sitting and working, I will receive an email that is not business-related. I’m so accustomed to receiving business-related emails that I’m taken aback, because the email starts out, oddly, with the word “honey”, and I think for a moment, "which client of mine calls me 'honey'"? It’s then that I glance up and see the word “Mom” in the “From” box, which alerts me to the possibility that I may know this woman.
We crave intimacy. We crave it like we crave that Quarter-Pounder Five-Layer-Cheesy Bacon-and-Arteriosclerosis-Burger after we’ve been fasting on grass and rainwater for a month. That kind of craving. And yes, even in a pandemic, we have needs. I daresay especially in a pandemic, we have needs.
So with that, I’ve written a handy blog for all of my single NON-voice-talent readers, to direct you to a species of human that is highly dateable: The Voiceover Artist. They are a species that, were you to date them, it would be something that would be a recorded event. (Get it?) It is my goal with this blog to enable you to further understand this peculiar species of human that walks among you; who yearn to be held and have their larynx stroked until they purr. It’s a lonely time. Let this be your guide to facilitating more intimate levels of connection, just like our friends, the Cuttlenobos.
Even though the last time I dated was 4,396 years ago, I eventually got married, so I must know at least a little about intimacy. Read on, and quickly too, especially since there is a stadium-sized asteroid currently hurtling toward Earth because, you know, God figured the year 2020 was not interesting enough with a global pandemic, Kobe dying, Australia burning, impeaching, drones striking, royals abdicating, commercial plane downings, Murder Hornets invading, an entire planet protesting, and the UK going bye-bye.
Best you get a move on, swinger.
The Voiceover Artist Siren Call – just without the Siren, because this is a studio and you really should quiet down, what are you a moron? You kids and your music today. Why, when I was your age, I was 10.
The first step to possibly dating a Voiceover Artist, is to understand the Voiceover Artist. They are made of stern stuff, voice talent are. They hail from the original genus Homo Voiceoverus Indigenous Optimus Primus, an ancient race known for grace and powerful leadership, with the ability to transform normal sounds into dude-that’s-so-cool sounds. Jon Bailey is a whiz at this. The Voiceover Artist traces its roots back to the ancestral line of Vox Pluribus Magnicum Glorificatum Omnibus Maximus Microphonus Vestri, which is a Latin name which means something. Every single human being down through the ages blessed with the ability to perform voiceovers has a special gene inside them which enables them to rebound perfectly from constant rejection, and to audition again. That gene sits alongside the Commercicus Spendicum SweetWater gene, which compels the Voiceover Artist to spend insidious amounts of money on incredible hardware on Black Friday, payday Friday, and any Friday.
So that’s it. Now that you know what makes a Voiceover Artist tick, it’s time to explore dating one, so that you can develop an intimate relationship with the Cuttlenobo behind the mic.
But first: remember that you must first make yourself attractive as well. This will effectively eliminate many people from the mix: like Mahatma Gandhi, who, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This rendered him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Don’t be like Gandhi. Be attractive.
Highly Effective Voiceover Artist Pickup lines
I’ve taken the liberty of compiling some awesome and highly effective pickup lines for anyone seeking to date a Voiceover Artist during these uncertain times (D’oh!). These pickup lines will be especially effective in making your Latino Voiceover Artist dating prospects esssswoon. These pickup lines should be universally acceptable during this pandemic period, and should get you in the door in no time, and have you both back by 8:30 before her dad goes for his gun.
Note: “pickup line” is not to be confused with “pickup line”. Voiceover Artists know what I mean by this.
In no particular order, here they are:
- Hey cutie…nice mask
- I could listen to you alllll day long
- Say, aren’t you Don LeFontaine reborn?
- Scarlett Johansen ain’t got nuttin’ on you baby
- Moooooooove over, James Earl Jones!!
- How YOU recordin’… (said whilst pointing the Joey finger at them with a wink)
- Your mic looks so big and svelte…and your headphones are impressively sized.
- Your voice reminds me of Gilbert Gottfried and Bobcat Goldthwaite. (thanks to Lucas Orono!)
- Your voice is like butter on a hot roll. (kudos to Gary Scales for this one!)
- Are you a recording software? Because DAW baby, you look so fine. (nice one, Kayla Jackson!
- Hey baby can I feel your articulaters articulating in zone 1? (good on ya, Russ DeWolfe)
- Is that a microphone in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? (Bravo again, Kayla Jackson!)
- Are you ready for some LONG FORM narration? (And thank YOU for THAT, Paul Matthews!)
There you have it.
Caution! After using one of the above lines, the recipient of your pickup line may experience dizziness, blushing, essswooning, and/or fainting. You should be prepared to catch any falling Voiceover Artists because of the risk of jawbones shattering when humans hit concrete. As an aside, Voiceover Artists with shattered jawbones are not very dateable. Additional aside: Voiceover Artists may suddenly transform into a Cuttlenobo. Beware. And this isn’t just Deja Moo, you know: the feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
But you're welcome. Now go be intimate in ways I don't want to know about.
HEY. WAIT JUST A S.E.C.!
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7 thoughts on “How to date a Voiceover Artist”
Hey, baby, do you charge extra for weekend sessions?
😎 Too much?
Too much. 😂😂😂
I have to say, any vaguely creative pick-up line has got to be better than the constant flow of “hi how are you.” in my social media inboxes. Dude, I speak for a living. You’re going to have to try harder than that!
To quote Ace Ventura, “ah not too much…ahh MUCH too much!” HA! I’ll leave you to use that one on your Sweetums!
Bonofish – Definitely going to be humming U2 for the rest of the morning now, which is great for warming up the vocal cords. Thanks for that, Josh!
Ha my pleasure T! Good on ya. Nothing wrong with a little U2 in your playlist to soup up your day! If U2 doesn’t spur intimacy, then I don’t know what does…
Seriously? Sounds precocious!
“This rendered him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.”
Your able to mix loose Disney references into a dating tips blog???
Brilliant! Simply Brilliant!
Thank you for including me in this one! It is all my pleasure!
Ah no – the pleasure is all my friend, as usual! Any blog graced by His Royal Matthewsness is infinitely better! 🙂
Lol. Every time I’ve told a guy what I do for a living they want me to do endless accents & impersonations for them like I’m a performing monkey. I even went on a date with a guy and he insisted I pretend I was a different nationality when ordering my food. So cringe. I refused of course & he didn’t make it to date number 2 🤣.