“Honey I have an idea – let’s move in the middle of a global pandemic!”

And other dumb things I've said.

To move or not to move: that is the question.

So my wife and I are in the process of looking for homes.  Or, to be more precise, we were in the process, before we both started not finding what we each wanted, not liking the other’s choices, foaming at the mouth and finally sizing each other up for coffins. (Hers is 5’5” and a smidge…but smidges are important.  I’ll get her the nice solid oak, inescapable kind that I can weld shut, just in case.)

It never occurred to us that we were in fact two separate human beings, each with their own desires and needs.

For example, she for some bizarre reason prefers bizarre foods like vegetables and chicken and other hard-to-pronounce edibles that aliens deposited on Earth. Things like:

• Quinoa.
• Amuse-bouche
• Gnocchi
• Rice

I, on the other hand, thrive on healthy and satisfying foods that are meant to bring happiness and sustenance, such as Bottle Caps candy (my favorite), Good & Plenty candy, Nerds Rope candy, red licorice, black licorice, grape licorice, strawberry licorice, and other kinds of food such as licorice-flavored-licorice.  I literally just have to say the word “licorice”, and I am instantly happier.  *starts to skip merrily*

But my wife?  No.  The very mention of the word “licorice” might in fact generate a scowl-and-eye-roll-combination that would have made Hitler rethink his ways if it had come from his mother upon hearing his plans.  Precious lives could have been saved.  In fact, that combination should be used in all E-Learning and teaching materials everywhere forever, and they would call it The Look - and people would obey, believe you me.  She’s not old-fashioned, mind you: she’ll entertain having a bit of licorice while we watch reruns of Downton Abbey.  It’s just that while she’s thinking of Downton Abbey while eating licorice, I’m thinking of licorice while eating licorice, watching licoricy people run around a licoricy castle and do licoricy things in Licorice Abbey.

But back to licorice – er – moving, she wants her type of house. And I just don’t understand why she doesn’t want what I want.  Which is of course a house made of licorice.

Calgon, take me away

Remember the old Calgon commercials?  That peaceful bar of soap that would somehow magically whisk you away into a dreamlike wonderland where houses are made of licorice and all of your wives everywhere always agreed with you all the time?  *Insert uproarious laughter here at the insidious notion*  Ahhhhh…that peace-filled bar of soap is dearly needed right now, because moving has in effect stolen our peace.

Granted, when all is said and done, there’s a lot to move.  It’s a headache when you have fifty-four million little Pixar toys, and you have to not only remember to securely pack all those into boxes, but also our sons to whom they belong.  I’M KIDDING!   We won’t securely pack our boys into boxes.  We're not that cruel or careless.  We’ll throw them into the back of the truck and let them bounce around like everything else.

But we haven’t even talked about my voiceover booth yet, which is a feat of engineering in itself.  It requires an expert knowledge of trigonometry to simply open the door.  I tried reading the manual for it, but after Page 2 I felt a desire welling up in me to squeeze things until they oozed.  My studio is essentially a giant Lego set which would need to be methodically and painstakingly disassembled, and then methodically and painstakingly reassembled in a new location.  [Sidebar: If only it were made of licorice.]  Either way, saying that I’m looking forward to the upcoming disassembly and reassembly would be the same as saying, "Hi, I'd like to have my femur bone cracked in half, please?"

All in all, the only thing I really care about is this: will it be quiet enough for voiceovers?  But there are so many important and highly critical additional considerations when moving:

• Schools
• Property size
• Neighbors
• Is there a Taco Bell nearby
• Available Internet speeds
• How close are we to parks and water
• Have there been any recent sacrifices to Ramtha?
• Political leanings
• Number of people living close to us who use the word “duh” in a sentence
• Is there a Taco Bell nearby
• Is it feasible for me to make it difficult for the authorities to find me there
• Crop circles
• Natural hazards
• Will people near me be playing Michael Bolton (an instant #weshallnotmovethere)
• Is there a Taco Bell nearby
• Current murder hornet population
• Is there a Taco Bell nearby

Oh, Calgon…take me away.  Away from this past month and a half where we’ve driven out to see so many houses all over the planet that we’ve generated a carbon footprint Elon Musk would be trying to eradicate.  Take me away from all the bickering and quibbling over this and that.  All the expectations.  Whisk me away to a land full of happiness.  Full of peace.  Full of contentment.

Full of Bottle Caps candy.

Moving is a feat and nothing less.  Undoubtedly the most painstaking thing I’ll have to do is to take down my studio and put it all up again.  Run and secure the cables.  Put the pictures and motivational inspiring printouts back up that tell me that it was stupid to move, er, I mean, that I can succeed at voiceovers.  Setup and equalize my sound.  Conduct practice runs.  It’s a StudioBricks, so the internal sound shouldn’t vary too much, but where the studio sits will.  And God help the poor realtor who accidentally helps us buy the house built on an ancient Indian burial ground.  I will not tolerate ghostly poltergeist sounds in my recordings….not again.  Not after what happened.  Licorice should help.

Ain’t no blog o’ mine without a mention o’ candy

So I like candy.  Sue me.  Is it so much to ask that my house be composed of it?  I don’t need double-pane vinyl windows or genuine cherry wood cabinets.  I don’t need pergo floors or exposed rich wood beams.  I don’t need a massive yard with a fire pit.  I need a Gingerbread house, and no matter what filters I use, I cannot for the life of me find one on Zillow.  They should really rethink their approach.  I think I’ll sue.

Apparently my foolish and misaligned wife believes that we need a house that is for whatever absurd reason in close proximity to excellent schools, and that has access to parks and recreation so that we might breathe good clean fresh air!!! (said in my most polished mocking voice).  Poppycock.  Hogswallow.  Rubbish.  Hootenanny.  Give me carbon monoxide seven days of the week and twice on Sunday, and I’ll wash it down with a good hearty mug o’ Licorice Brew.

I’m kidding.  She’s not foolish or misaligned: she actually tests at the genius level, and she just recently saw her chiropractor.  But what’s to be done?  If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy, I guess.  And all’s well that ends better, so we’ll figure it out eventually, and I’ll surrender any and all claims to sucrose-based abodes.

In the meanwhile, all of our existing stuff at our existing home is stuffed into our existing garage in the existing pursuit of a dream home that apparently exists somewhere out there but continues to elude us.  I’ll just sit back and wait for Zillow to get its act together.  In the meantime, this Seattle Voiceover Artist will continue to patiently await the day where he becomes Olympia Voiceover Artist, because my cool initials will then speak to eggs.

Until that day, where did I leave my licorice?  Oh yeah, in the garage. Pass the Taco Bell, will you?

*Happy-Ending Update: On May 29^th, 2020, we finally found our dream home.  Aaaaaaaaaaand...offer accepted!  Moving in early August!  Stay tuned...

=============

HEY.  WAIT JUST A S.E.C.!

• S-UBSCRIBE & S-HARE!: If you enjoyed this blog, please consider subscribing and sharing with friends and family, and encouraging them to subscribe and share.  Offer treats for doing so.
• E-NCOURAGE: Go encourage someone else today with a single, simple sentence of affirmation.  Tell them, “I like your earrings”, unless of course they are manly men, in which case you should compliment them on the size of their chainsaw.
• C-OMMENT: I want to hear from you.  Please feel free to comment below!  Comments with lots of “You’re wonderful” or “You’re the best” will receive instant approval and acclaim.

Check out my latest and greatest (ok, only) Voiceover book - you'll be glad you did!

Need a voiceover?  Request a quote today or visit my Demo Reel. Or subscribe.  Or other things.

Joshua Alexander
Seattle Voice Actor & Voiceover Talent for hire
[email protected]
206.557.6690
www.saysomethingjosh.com
www.joshyface.com
www.joshygram.com
www.joshypin.com
www.joshylinked.com
www.joshytweet.com
www.joshyvids.com