Just send everything. Thanks.
Used by permission from KRiemer via Pixabay
It’s the most…materialistic time…of the year…
Ah, it’s that joyous time of year! That wonderful time where we throw off all humility and shamelessly hope for silver and gold, jewels aplenty, opulence unmatched, and of course Disney+ and bulk packs of Good & Plenty! (Are your reading this, Mrs. Alexander???) Where we pay top dollar for someone to, as Brian Regan says, fiddle for us and amuse us while we sit atop our throne and drink something cool and refreshing out of a goblet. The time of the year where our Christmas tree is smushed against the ceiling, stacked on top of a shimmering mound of rubies, emeralds, diamonds, and other sacred testaments to materialistic greed and rabid spending.
Kind of like when the government paid $518,000 in federal grants to study how cocaine affects the sexual behavior of Japanese quails. I am not making this stuff up. You cannot make this stuff up. I don’t know about you, but I don’t need to know what cocaine does to a bird’s sex life. I have enough on my mind, such as do I want hard or soft tacos at Taco Bell for lunch, and will the meat be genuine hamburger, or Japanese quail sex meat. “Excuse me, can I get a little cocaine with my bird?”
In any event, spend spend spend…and then spend some more.
“Peace On Earth, Goodwill to Men” you say? Bah, humbug. Bring on the Lamborghinis and Sennheiser mic’s and the new $59,995 Apple Mac Pro, I say, because I deserve it. Why, I’ve been good all year, and so surely the Patron Saint of Materialistic Greed in his jolly red jumper will reward me, nay? Avarice is succulently delicious.
All of this tinsel and trappings and holiday hootenanny. It’s amazing! Christmas has become so commercialized, and watered down from its true meaning, that sharable Wish Lists have now become the norm; and if you don’t have one, then it’s the same as if you were one of those tiny little pockets-within-pockets in blue jeans: no one knows what they’re truly there for, and they’re only useful if you want to hook your finger in it and then yank someone sideways at the speed of sound, causing them to make a sound like a whale being forced down a chimney. If you don’t know this sound, I recommend you find the nearest whale and chimney, and give it a go. In any event, as far as I know whales don’t have wish lists, except to not be stuck in chimneys.
For myself, I’ll go on giving. Christmas for me is all about giving, and not receiving. It is in that spirit then, that I shall lovingly extend my benevolence and philanthropic nature to you by graciously giving unto thee… *drum roll* ….my Wish List!
A List of Wishes
So here’s what I want, and I offer prepaid packaging for you to include these gifts and mail them at your earliest inconvenience. I offer suitable dropoff locations everywhere: In Fall City WA, Truth or Consequences NM, and anywhere quality turbans are sold in Pakistan. You may mail them to me however you like, just so long as they arrive to me by 3pm today. You have my sincerest thanks for being so generous! Here’s my complete and exhaustive list for 2019:
- A push pin. You see, there are spiders here, and I just found one in my studio while I was recording. A push pin will allow me to carry around some measure of defense in order to shield myself from this creeping threat. Oh and also not shriek like a hyena when I see one. My customers are starting to complain about unexpected wildlife noises in their recordings. So a push pin would be great: I have impeccable aim, and I won the International Spider-Skewering contest in Mumbai seven years in a row. It is there that I am known as “Master Spider-Skewerer The Great”, which in Mumbai means “little wailing sissy hyena boy.” Don’t judge me.
- Further soundproofing for my studio to screen out the noise of my screaming children outside (and also to screen out the hyena noises inside).
- Alternatively, you may provide me replacement children, and no further soundproofing will be needed.
- Triple-platinum memberships on all of the P2P’s which will enable me to receive all audition notices 3 weeks prior to all other recipients. You know, to ensure fairness.
- Magic dust to sprinkle across the video production world, that would cause all heads and ears to turn their ears towards Seattle and hearken unto my voiceover prowess.
- Said magic dust should also come in the flavor of strawberry and be sprinklable over ice cream.
- Said magic dust should also come with the ability to be sprinkled over my car and turn it into a Lamborghini, as well as my food into lobster.
- A magic dust container that sparkles. Oh and also plays Bing Crosby.
- Die Hard on an endless loop (because it’s a Christmas movie).
There! See? It’s all about giving. I have given you my wish list. The ball is in your court now. And remember, it’s more blessed to give than to receive…so give away!
In All Sincerity
When I think back to Christmases past, I can remember teachers and volunteers casting me in school and church plays. I remember the conversation going something like this:
Them: “Joshua, would you like to be in a Christmas play?”
Joshua: “No. No I would not like that, in fact.”
Them: “Wonderful! We’ll see you in the play.”
Joshua: *is confused*
Apparently I wasn’t saying my answers correctly, because here I was yet again in another accursed shepherd outfit. (Sidenote: The accursed shepherd is often the most underrated shepherd in the world). On multiple occasions during my youth I was in Christmas or holiday plays. I remember being a Michael Jackson doll, a shepherd, a reindeer, and Megatron. That last one was in a Christmas revenge play I hosted in my bedroom where I would wage war against all the child casting agents who relentlessly cast unwilling children in plays, and I would laugh maniacally and transform into my Walther P-38 weapon self and blast them all to smithereens. “Take that!” I would say. “No more plays!” I would scream, with genuine Christmas cheer, as I blasted the dancing sugarplums out of their kerchief and cap.
I’ve grown a lot since then, and the therapy helped. My Wish List no longer includes alien abductions of all casting agents, because quite obviously I’m a voiceover talent, and quite obviously I need casting agents if I’m going to be successful. So please add Un-abducted Casting Agents as #10 on my Wish List above. I’ll present all of these to Santa in the following letter sent Priority Mail to the North Pole:
I’ve been good!
Actually I’ve been kind of good.
I guess I’ve been just alright, really.
Nevermind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
PS, please do something about the spiders.
PPS, you sound like a whale when you come down our chimney.
PPPS, sorry, that was uncalled for. More therapy needed. And send Good & Plenty. Thanks.
HEY! WAIT JUST A S.E.C.!!!
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Seattle Voice Actor & Voiceover Talent for hire
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