Pardon me while I go streaking with Elves

So much to do, so little time


"Camping_Dorset72" by jjay69 is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0.


Holiday Cheer

So the holidays are upon us, and once again, mirth is creeping at our doorstep.  Reds and greens are starting to pop up in stores, and I’m pretty sure I heard an office lobby daring to brazenly play a Christmas tune in late-October.  In this jolly season, happiness is as contagious as those instances where someone does something for you unannounced and does it with a mirthy smile as if to say I’m mirthful and then you just HAVE to pass it on because you don’t want to be an unmirthy mirthless Mirth-Suck that doesn’t share in the joy of mirthful mirthyness because you don’t pass things on and my goodness how this sentence has run its course.

Unless you’re The Grinch, you LOVE this season.  I know I do!  Heck, we just put up our Christmas & holiday decorations yesterday.  My philosophy is once the orange and black has run its course, in with the ol’ green and red!  (I’m not talking about Taco Bell sauces here).

But what’s to be done when you have so much to do already? Work…marketing…auditioning…connecting…producing…encouraging…coaching…sharing…giving…receiving, and then you have to do SHOPPING on top of that?  It’s too much!  Pass the Tylenol and the hot tub and whiskey, please.

But, as with any dilemma, there are lots of things you can do to alleviate your worries and stress. You can:

  • Streak! However, this will most likely add to others’ stress depending on your physical condition.  Count on it adding some limited movement and eventual prison time as well, unless you can run really, really fast, and in a mask.
  • Take New improved S%@DI*(:#U;!#)f! One sip of S%@DI*(:#U;!#)f and all of your problems just melt away.  So will your esophagus and entire digestive system, as the primary ingredient in new improved S%@DI*(:#U;!#)f is tetragammaultrahydramegafluorochloric acid.  C’mon now, say it with me: Mmm, oh, my!  Sip, gulp, bye.
  • Watch Regis Philbin until nothing else matters! Because…well, just because.
  • Head into an elevator with a small bag! After someone walks in, open the bag, look into it and say “Hey, got enough air in there?”
  • While in that same elevator, once it’s completely full, moan in a low growl, “I must find a more suitable host body.”
  • While in that same elevator, greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask that they call you Admiral.
  • Get out of that elevator! It’s my conclusion that continually going in there is the cause of your worry and stress, because you keep getting arrested.  The restraining orders may have served as a subtle hint that your passengers are wearying of your antics.

So many solutions.  What to do, to stay on top of things and not freak out?

Ah!  I think I have it. Here’s what you do.


Pass out the Elves

All you’ll need to get through the holiday season is 23 elves.  Allow me to explain before you come at me with a flyswatter and the Off! Spray.

Elves are wonderful creatures.  They’re productive, efficient, and they get the job done.  Kind of like a nice can of spackle and some napalm when your house is in need of a remodel.  Their presence can be felt everywhere, like Windex or Anderson Cooper.  They’re smart, compact, and can bend and compress to save space when they travel with you as personal assistants on business trips, or family trips, or business trips where you take your family to visit a family of businesses.

Ah!  Elves.  They’re so good for you, like the first few bites of a Pumpkin pie with whip cream, before you start to feel like someone shifty has inserted a tire pump into you and is working feverishly toward your demise.  They can be found in all corners of society and culture, including Christmas and holidays, cookies and JRR Tolkien movies.

It’s high time that you get an Elf for yoursElf.  See what I did there?  All along, they’ve been right there in your identity, in your very psyche, as if they’re inseparable, much like Hollywood celebrities and divorce lawyers.

So get some Elves.  You’re going to need them.


So many Elves, so little time

What can you do with an Elf?  Why, I’m delighted you’ve asked!  (I’m going to assume you asked.)  Elves can make and receive calls.  They can cook you breakfast.  They can walk lightly on snow.  They can hurl things, like other Elves, who will then do their Elvish thing over there.  Now you have multiple-area coverage from just a few Elves, who will lovingly tackle all your marketing, all your auditions, all your contracts, all your invoices, all your business while you’re away on business with your family visiting a business.  It’s logical, it’s ethical, and it’s your moral duty to choose some Elves for yoursElves that will make sure you stay on top of things and actually enjoy these blessed holidays before they turn into leftovers, which everyone craves as much as an Mmmbop reunion.

Elves aren’t just somebody’s plaything; nay...they spread mirth wherever they go, and their bright, cheery costumes will light up your season with holiday mirth, in the same way that you would light up deer with your headlights on the highway: they’re going to hit you with their full force of efficiency, helpfulness, and joy, until you’re dragged behind them and can only hold on for dear life, screaming “Thank you Lord for these precious Eeeeeelllllllllvvvvvvveeeeeeessssss….”

Your 23 personal Elves will see to it that your holidays are indeed merry. As the proud owner of a brain, this makes sense to me.  I’ll be able to dole out tasks and see that they are autonomous in no time, and I’ll be able to go gallivanting over the river and through the woods, to Grandmother’s house we go, while they do all the work!

It’s brilliant!  BRILLIANT I say!  Enjoy the holidays unimpeded by voiceover business stuff, while your merry minions hold down the fort and tackle all your duties!  Call now!  Operators are standing by.

Or, ya know, just streak.




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Joshua Alexander
Seattle Voice Actor & Voiceover Talent for hire

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